Thursday, March 21, 2013

Heavy heart...

Today I woke up and just felt sad...tears have been prickling in my eyes in spite of the the joy that comes with the smiles wrapped up in William and Ethan's baby brother.

It has been such a long time since I woke up feeling this way. Perhaps because Maxwell has done so much good for my heart. He also monopolizes my time so distractions are rare.

I also realized, after looking at the calendar and marveling that it is so close to the end of March, that this was due date time for my twins. It always amazes me how my subconscious self keeps track when I am not. The twins' due date lost most of its power after the first time it passed...after all what are the chances of any baby being born in his/her due date?

William and Ethan are in my thoughts always, but the sadness is a gentler nudge (rather than a kick to the stomach) and missing them is a longing (rather than the paralyzing want of what should be). I know grief changes and I was just getting used to how grief feels now.

Today feels a bit more like it did six months to a year out. How can it be nearly 28 months since we had to say goodbye?!? I am not feeling the rawness of me grief from those earlier days, but the physical response (quick to tear, ache in my chest) is much the same.

I have been trying to use photoshop to edit pictures of William and Ethan so I can have a portrait of them together. With the nature of their premature arrival and quick separation in hopes of keeping Ethan alive after William was gone, there are no pictures of them together. I also have no photos of me holding Ethan, but such is the unclear thinking created by the vortex of grief. Even with all of my photo editing skills I can't quite get it to look right...or even ok.

It has since dawned on me that I should use my artistic skills and just draw them using the photos. That would certainly take away the challenge of photoshopping William's bruising that make the photos hard to look at. What I want more than anything is a picture that I show people and say "here are my beautiful baby boys." While I can look at their photo's and see their beautiful faces, the awful reality is the photos are clearly of dead babies with all of the horrible marks of the premature birth and attempts to help them live. A mother's love can see beyond and see her sons, but not everyone (including their father) are comfortable with what is really in the photos. I understand that and that makes me want more for my sons. I want to put their picture on the wall next to Maxwell's. I want to show off all of my sons!


  1. I think a drawing of your boys done by YOU would be such a wonderful labor of love. I would love to see your sons! They would be just gorgeous on the family wall together, I'm sure.

    28 months? I honestly thought you miscalculated. I had to look at a calendar when I read that. But really... in just a couple weeks will be twenty-eight months? MONTHS? My heavens, that's a long time. :/

  2. We do have actual photos on our walls, but something else that we have is a painting my dad did. He took baby pictures of Peter and I plus the pictures we have of Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander, and came up with such a breathtaking image. We treasure it so much.

  3. I love the portrait we had drawn of Eliza. Even more special that you are talent enough to draw your boys together!

    I'm so sorry they aren't here. Heavy hearts all around.

  4. I think a drawing is beautiful idea. I know what you mean about these feelings.. today I was with a little man who was born about a month after Cullen. While I relished having all of my living children in my arms I could not help but look at him and think of what Cullen would be doing now at just that age.

    As to the pictures you do have- I can relate as well. Cullen had so much discoloration- you can see it in all of the photos. I see beauty but I know that the outside world sees it so differently....