This morning I received a painful reminder of what should be...a friend I worked with ages ago was pregnant at the same time as I was. Our due dates were a week or so apart and we were both anxiously awaiting our boys (2 for me, 1 for her). I logged into Face.book this morning and there it was...she had her baby last night/early this morning. I knew it was coming but I was not prepared for my reaction at all.
There were lots of tears of course, but I think I may have also had an anxiety attack to go with it. I was sobbing and shaking. Not the kind of shake or shiver you have when you are cold, more like a seizure but even that is not quite right. I was terrified and called my sister and the shaking stopped. She was amazing at calming me down. I really wish she lived closer, but even though we are far apart we are still close in our hearts.
I have been having pretty good days lately and today was the hardest I have had in awhile. It was even worse than dealing with the death certificate crap last week. It is one of those days you are at the mercy of your grief and it wins. I spent the day on the couch watching old episodes of Buffy (the Vampire Slayer) since they will all be off Net.flix soon. I never watched it while it was on the air and wish I had. Hopefully I can get through all of the seasons before they are pulled. The teen angst and 90's fashion are a great distraction.
All day I thought about what should be...my boys should be here. I should be beyond tired from not sleeping well because they would arrive at any moment or because they had arrived. I should be anxious about being a new mom, not crying tears for my sons who are gone forever.
I have one more anticipated March birth to get through. One of my best friend's brother is expecting the arrival of his little girl soon. His wife's due date was the day after mine (William and Ethan were due 3/27). So another surprise announcement is eminent.
Cannot wait for March to be over
Two pieces of my heart that are gone forever and a new piece that brought back joy.
Oh, I feel for you so much. I too am dreading the births of my closest friends babies (due 03/27 and 04/26) and have no idea what I am in for when their babies come. Unfortunately, I look ahead at these babies arrivals as "dark times" for me. How sad, because I love my friends dearly, and want nothing more than to be happy for them. But it is so hard. Love was due 05/11, so there are many hard times ahead. Even when I am having good days, I know that it isn't over yet...
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, and helping me get prepared. I will have my sister on speed-dial for support...
Hugs to you,
B
All part of the crapfest. I just got a shower invitation from someone due 3 weeks after me. I was almost able to forget that I would have had a shower in Feb until I got that stupid thing. Almost.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, sister. Somehow the days go by. They have to.
Hugs, dear one...
ReplyDeleteUgh, I'm so sorry I know how difficult that is. I also had an old high school friend who was due two weeks after my due date with Lily. I had to hide her updates/pictures on facebook finally, it's just too painful. Even now sometimes I'll look at her page and think that should be me too and it sucks. I'm so sorry...I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I'm glad you had your sister to help bring you some comfort & calm. Sending love and hope your way ((hugs))
ReplyDelete