Tuesday, March 1, 2011


The lightness I felt on vacation has dissipated quickly. I am back to feeling the heaviness of my grief again. I was hoping the light feeling would last a little longer than it did. I feel heaviness in several ways...the emotional heaviness of our loss, the physical heaviness of my post-pregnancy body and the heaviness of the dreary days of winter rains.

The emotional heaviness will always be there, but since Saturday it has felt physically exhausting. That may be in part due to the physical weight I am still carrying around but I felt so much better this time last week. Or maybe it is PMS...that is if everything is back on a normal schedule in that department. I do not have the energy to tell the difference these days.

The physical weight I have yet to loose is bothering me more and more. I am making a concerted effort to take better care of me. I keeping a food log and using the elliptical which is a start. Doing something is better than nothing. I can't rush my grieving process and I can't change the weather so all I can control is what I eat and how much exercise I get.

Adding to the heaviness is the phone call I have to make following up on ordering a marker for our boys' grave and the yet to be received death certificate for Ethan. William didn't live long enough to get a social security number or a death certificate. I hate that. I hate that Ethan "counted" and William did not.

Yeah...feeling heavy, but carrying on.


  1. I hate all the admin type stuff that has to be done after death. It's like being tortured... and it all takes so long to get done. Wishing you the strength to get through that phone call.

  2. I'm heavy here too. I also need to call to follow up on a marker I ordered and haven't heard anything about. Maybe I'll give it a few more days. Good on you for taking better care of yourself. Good to feel in control of something, anyway.

  3. I am feeling "heavy" too. Tomorrow is my 6 week follow up with my doc. Has it been 6 weeks already?? It seems like a lifetime and an instant all at once. I feel like the appointment is going to wipe me out emotionally, and I am getting prepared by being tired already.
    Also physically. I have spent 8 of the last 11 months pregnant with two pregnancies, and all I have to show for it is a broken heart and 20 extra pounds. I just got back to the gym, and have been trying to curb my eating. I think a heavy heart is enough. I don't need the rest. I will be struggling right along with you.
    Good luck in your journey of better health.

  4. I know it sounds trite but the important thing to keep in mind is that William matters just as much as Ethan does to the people that matter to you.