Back Home...

This week I have a week off from school for February break. Hubby and I spent part of the week on a much needed break from reality in the sunny, warm, beautiful Florida Keys . To get a sense of how pleasant this really was and to provide a little perspective this is what it looked like at home (the airport actually) before we flew south...

It was cold and snowing again. We have had a terrible winter this year...lots of snow and cold. We have even had more snow than my parents in upstate NY where this weather is typical. And this storm was nothing compared to what we have had the past few months. Needless to say, you can see why I was so happy to be in a place that looked like this...

That is my darling hubby walking up the dock towards our resort. The sky looked like this everyday and the temps were around 80 degrees. The weather alone bolstered my spirit to a level I haven't felt in ages. I won't lie...it was nice. I lived in a happy place of denial for a few days. No snow, no cold, no sadness or grief...well almost any way.

The resort we stayed at was upscale (not as nice as some places we have gone to, but very very nice all the same) and I was not expecting so many families with children to be there. I am not surprised in retrospect, but it wasn't quite the quiet getaway I thought we would be having. The family thing didn't bother too much with one exception. Our first night at the resort we were having dinner and I will admit I was exhausted. I slept poorly the night before (2-3 hours of sleep tops), we left crazy early and I did not sleep on the plane. Controlling my emotions is a lot harder when I am tired or not feeling well. So we are having dinner, I am facing the entrance and I see a couple walk up and say hello to the hostess. They step just past the hostess area and I see that both the man and the woman have small babies in carriers on their chests...twin boys. It took everything in my power to keep myself from sobbing hysterically. Tears escaped. Hubby looked upset, but I don't know if he was mad that I was ruining dinner or sad because that could have been us. That was the moment that I decided to put that part of myself temporarily in a box and leave my grief behind for the duration of my vacation. That is not to say that I did not think of my boys (I did and do every single day) but I put the part of me that hurts the most away. I did not ask Hubby if he was mad or sad, but once I made the decision my outlook/attitude changed we both relaxed into our time together enjoying every minute.

After that moment I was able to be the old me again...without guilt, with out sadness and with out tears. As soon as I got home the box was opened again and the grief came out but with out the same ache that I had before. All of the reminders of what I lost are here at home and easier to be reminded of all that we have been through. But for just a short while I was in a place that had absolutely nothing to do with me, my pregnancy, my boys and their death. I gave my self permission to happily live in the place that they had no connection to and it felt good to just be. I am hoping that this was a good thing and that I can carry some of that feeling back to my daily life...my real life surrounded by my tragedy.

It has been cold, gray and rainy since we got back. It was easier to feel happy in sunshine but I know it is possible. I remember what it feels like again and I can imagine it again. It might be easier as the weather gets warmer. I hope that happens sooner rather than later!!!