Overall this has been a decent week. Not that there hasn't been a few hiccups, but the big picture is decent.
I made it through all five days of teaching with out completely loosing it (there were tears, just not enough to render me unfit to teach). I did ok while hubby was gone overnight on his first business trip since we lost our boys. I felt less awkward talking to my grief counselor this week. I survived walking in on a conversation in the teachers lounge that, to me, was trigger-worthy (there was talk about post-pregnancy hormones and buying babies).
At the beginning of the week I found I could not cry...I wanted to, but the tears just didn't flow. I felt all the feelings but no tears. It was a little disturbing but my grief counselor said it is one of those things that can happen. And when I met with her on Thursday the tears had no trouble appearing. Just one of those things I guess.
One piece of family history has been on my mind this week. My grandmother is a fellow baby loss mama. My grandmother and I are not close (she moved far away when I was 12 and have not seen her much since then) but I am curious about what happened. Valentine's Day is my aunt's birthday. Her name is my middle name and this year she would have been 50. I do not know if she was born prematurely but I do know that she lived for a short while. Things have changed with regards to child birth since my aunt was born and died...I wonder what my grandmother experienced. Was she able to see my aunt? Hold her? They did bury her on a family plot (not in the same cemetery as William & Ethan). I wonder if Grandma was able to grieve or if she was told to forget about the baby who did not live and try again. My youngest uncle is my grandmother's rainbow baby so she did try again. I am trying to work up the courage to ask. My Dad was only 10 at the time and doesn't remember many details.
I am very much looking forward to having next week off from school and our quick trip to a fun resort in Florida. Warm (maybe even hot) weather will be wonderful!!! I am glad to be at a point where I can enjoy and look forward to a vacation. My heart still aches, but I am not over-whelmed this week. I know this next month will be hard with what would have been my due date coming up in March. Day by day is all I can do and that is enough for now.
Two pieces of my heart that are gone forever and a new piece that brought back joy.
My grandmother had 2 miscarriages in addition to my stillborn uncle. We talk about him sometimes. She told me once that she feels like she can talk to me because I'll understand. Back in the 60s, life wasnt so kind. Her son was taken away from her and she never got to hold him. They buried him without her knowledge. She often has nightmares of "was he really stillborn or did they make a mistake" because she never really was able to grieve him. Then, it was "get pregnant ASAP" to try and "heal". But she never could... It breaks my heart.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can talk to your grandmother. I know, in our situation, it helped mine to be able to finally share.
I also find times I'm in much pain but can't cry. It's like a painful numbness takes over. After I lost Greyson I found out my Grandma had a loss too. She's gone so I don't know much about it but I wonder about her a lot. No counseling or support groups back then.
ReplyDeleteI am glad for you that you were able to make it through the week at work. I can't imagine how tough it must be to have to be "professional" in a time like this. Please know that I am thinking of you and that you have the strength of those of us going through the same thing with you at all times.
ReplyDeleteI don't know anyone who has lost a baby like I did, so I have felt very alone until I found these blogs. I wish we didn't have to go through this, but since we do, I am glad we aren't doing it alone.
Brooke
My great grandmother lost a child - he lived for three days. She is still alive but as we live on opposite sides of the planet we don't get to talk much. I regret not asking her about him when I lived there but back then I really had no idea how overwhelming the pain of losing a child could be. She did mention to my parents that she still misses him more than 60 years later. Of course, I didn't really expect anything different. I am sure we will all grieve for our little ones for our entire lives.
ReplyDeleteMy due date was in January and it was sad, but not as bad as I was expecting it to be. We took the day off and went on a mini road-trip/holiday just to get away from it all and ended up having a nice time. Perhaps you can do something similar?