Overall this has been a decent week. Not that there hasn't been a few hiccups, but the big picture is decent.
I made it through all five days of teaching with out completely loosing it (there were tears, just not enough to render me unfit to teach). I did ok while hubby was gone overnight on his first business trip since we lost our boys. I felt less awkward talking to my grief counselor this week. I survived walking in on a conversation in the teachers lounge that, to me, was trigger-worthy (there was talk about post-pregnancy hormones and buying babies).
At the beginning of the week I found I could not cry...I wanted to, but the tears just didn't flow. I felt all the feelings but no tears. It was a little disturbing but my grief counselor said it is one of those things that can happen. And when I met with her on Thursday the tears had no trouble appearing. Just one of those things I guess.
One piece of family history has been on my mind this week. My grandmother is a fellow baby loss mama. My grandmother and I are not close (she moved far away when I was 12 and have not seen her much since then) but I am curious about what happened. Valentine's Day is my aunt's birthday. Her name is my middle name and this year she would have been 50. I do not know if she was born prematurely but I do know that she lived for a short while. Things have changed with regards to child birth since my aunt was born and died...I wonder what my grandmother experienced. Was she able to see my aunt? Hold her? They did bury her on a family plot (not in the same cemetery as William & Ethan). I wonder if Grandma was able to grieve or if she was told to forget about the baby who did not live and try again. My youngest uncle is my grandmother's rainbow baby so she did try again. I am trying to work up the courage to ask. My Dad was only 10 at the time and doesn't remember many details.
I am very much looking forward to having next week off from school and our quick trip to a fun resort in Florida. Warm (maybe even hot) weather will be wonderful!!! I am glad to be at a point where I can enjoy and look forward to a vacation. My heart still aches, but I am not over-whelmed this week. I know this next month will be hard with what would have been my due date coming up in March. Day by day is all I can do and that is enough for now.