Unraveled

Today marks two months since William and Ethan made their early entrance. Two months sounds like so little time, especially when it feels like a lifetime has passed since they were born and died.

I decided yesterday to take today off from school. I could barely keep it together yesterday so I was exhausted and emotionally spent by the end of the day from trying not to cry all day long. I knew it would be harder today and planned a day by myself to grieve, cry, and take care of a few little things I have been meaning to do since I lost the boys. So far a great deal of the crying has taken place and I am sure I am not done yet. The grieving is an all day every day affair so I am just rolling with whatever emotions pop up. The two of the things I wanted to make sure I did today are done. I have ordered a copy of our medical records from the hospital where I gave birth and took care of some unraveling.

I am a knitter. As soon as I found out I was having twins I ordered some soft yellow and green yarn to make hats for my babies. This was very early on and way before I knew they were boys. I made fraternal hats since I was 99% sure my babies were fraternal twins (we transferred 2 embies during my IVF). I also started a sweater and intended on making two that would match the hats, one green and one yellow.

Since these were items I knit with love for my boys I couldn't bare the thought of them being worn by any other baby. I also couldn't quite bring my self to frogging (the knitting term for pulling the project apart) since it would mean another goodbye to the dreams I had for William and Ethan. Some how today felt like the day I could do it. I pulled up my favorite playlist on my iPod and set down with the sweater and two hats. I started with the sweater first since it was a work in progress and needed no knots undone. As soon as I started unraveling the stitches the tears started to trickle down my cheeks. I rolled the unraveling yarn into a ball and started to sob. I could barely see what I was doing as I pulled out the last stitches of the sweater. I calmed a little as I started on the first hat and just kept unraveling row after row of lovingly knit stitches. By the time I finished frogging the second at I was no longer crying. I can't say I felt better but unraveling these three things I knit for my boys was cathartic. I am not sure what I will do with these balls of yarn. My mom has knit a few preemie caps to give to the hospitals where the boys were born and where Ethan was in NICU. Perhaps I will give them to her or maybe I will save them and knit something new if we get pregnant again some day. I guess I will wait and see what feels right.

I also went back and re-read the letter I wrote to William and Ethan a month ago. I thought I might write another set of letters for today, but I wouldn't say anything different so just reading them again felt good and incredibly sad at the same time. I also sat down and looked at all the things in their memory boxes. I have all of the photos of them now and I can see a close resemblance between the boys despite their bruising and tubing. I read somewhere about a place that will retouch photos to remove bruising...I'll have to see if I can find them again and see what they might be able to do with the photos I have.

The poem i carry your heart by E.E. Cummings has popped up in a number of places lately (twice today) and it is hard not to find it relevant to how I feel. It also pairs nicely with a symbol that I have been carrying in my head (and heart) for what represents me and my sons...the two pieces of my heart. I drew this heart in the snow last Thursday when I was out shoveling snow. Since I carry the boys in my heart always I plan on creating this symbol where ever and when ever I can. Here is the poem if you have never read it before.

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart 

i carry your heart 

(i carry it in my heart)

It says so much that I can not.

I have one last thing to do today and that is email my nurse at the RE clinic. I mainly just want to let her now what happened since she was so good to me during our IVF cycle. Plus I want to see what steps we will need to take when we are actually ready. My period did come this week...it was a bit of a surprise since I was sure it was coming anytime soon...and I said I would contact them after it came.

For those of you who commented on my last post, thank you for your kind words...I have a feeling a lot of the anxiety/upset I felt was rooted in PMS and magnified by grief. I have not ruled out going to the group and there is plenty of time to decide since they meet the first Wednesday of the month. This Wednesday we had horrible weather so even if I had gotten the letter I probably wouldn't have gone or it was canceled. There is another group that meets at a different hospital I might look into as well and possibly one at the hospital where I was supposed to deliver.