Friday, February 11, 2011


I made it to Friday and that feels like nothing short of something huge.

For some reason this week I felt as raw as I did exactly one month ago. I have been quick to crumble into tears, getting out the front door and into school took most of my energy. Two days I actually stayed home because I just couldn't get myself together physically and emotionally. Yesterday and today were actually a bit better but still so hard. I think there is also a direct connection between my ability to cope with my grief and how tired I am. Monday and Tuesday nights I did not sleep real well and got out of bed not feeling very rested. If I do not get a good night of sleep I am pretty much useless physically and emotionally the next day. I am not planning on testing this theory by subjecting myself to sleep deprivation, but I will be more mindful of my need for good sleep in order to function (especially at school).

I have set a new goal for actually work of full week. Since returning to school on January 6th I have not been in school for a full week...granted my first week back I started on a Thursday, then there were the snow days, a holiday and a few days I called out. Here's the breakdown:
In the week of:
1/3... started on Thursday (partial week)
1/10...snow day on Tuesday
1/17...MLK Holiday on Monday & no school, left school early on Tuesday (mini-meltdown)
1/24...snow day on Thursday
1/31... took of Friday (mental health day...honoring the two month mark)

2/7...left early on Tuesday and stayed home Wednesday (mental health days)

I am very fortunate to work at a school with a supportive principal and coworkers. They are willing to give me what ever time I need to deal with my grief. Not that all this time I take off will not come with out consequence (if I go over my allotment some of it will be unpaid I am sure) but I do have concern that this being my tenure year I should be careful. Knowing how supportive my principal and the district level arts supervisor are about my situation I know that as long as I don't completely let my teaching practice go in the toilet getting tenure shouldn't be a problem.

I am hoping to make it through all of next week. The week after that is February break and I am off to warmer weather where I intend on getting a massage, basking in the sun and generally being pampered.

On a related and different note, I met with a grief counselor yesterday. It was an interesting and emotionally draining experience. I got on well with the least it was not challenging to talk to her. I felt like I babbled in a train of thought sort of way with her. She asked many  "getting to know you," background information gathering questions before she had me tell her my story. She started asking a few probing questions to gauge my mental state right before my time was up. I cried a lot and she even looked like she teared up a few times. I am going back again next week so we'll see how it goes. I can't say that I felt better after seeing her but I didn't feel worse, so that is good. It is my first time in therapy so I had no idea what to expect. I was afraid of being nervous and not knowing what to say but that was easier than I expected.

Here's to a full week of school, another visit with my therapist and hopefully a haircut next week.


  1. I think you are doing an amazing job and trying very hard. I felt so fortunate to have the summer to deal with my grief-to let myself fully grieve. And I really did. For at least 2 or 3 months, I sulked. I laid in bed, reading on the internet, reaching out. I cried and ate what I want, and kept to myself, and hardly ever left my house.
    you take WHATEVER time you need. If you can't make it a full week of school, then so be it. It's good to have goals, I think, but you need to take care of YOU.
    Thinking of you and your sweet baby boys.

  2. You are doing fine! Take it easy, day by day.

    The vacation will really help. Just getting away from the house and your day to day life. We took one, and we healed alot on it. Enjoy the sun and the pampering. Get some exercise too if you can (walks along the beach?)

  3. Jessica, I know exactly what you mean. Anything physical going on like tiredness makes the emotional progress deteriorate. The days I had the flu were some of the worst emotionally recently.

    I actually felt worse after my first counseling session. Broken. It was only 3 weeks after Greyson died. Hang in there. Counseling did get better.

    Thanks for the email. I'm glad you found me.

  4. Jessica,
    I found your blog while looking at other grieving blogs. I lost a son in September and have been touched by your blog. I appreciate your honesty and openness. I admire your strength. I have cried for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story, and your sons, with others.

    Good luck this week!