Today.
The day I have been dreading.
A date that really means very little realistically, but emotionally has a ton of significance.
Today was my estimated due date for William and Ethan.
I know that had they not been born prematurely there is very little chance I would have made it even this far as twins notoriously arrive early. This weekend has been tough but the hubby and I have kept ourselves busy so as to not completely slide in to a funk I won't be able to get out of.
Yesterday we spent the day hanging out in NYC. We had lunch, walked around taking in all the changes that have occurred since we lived there, watched a movie and had an early dinner before catching a train home. I miss living there sometimes, but I do love my neighborhood and my school where I teach...even if they are in NJ. I was born in NY state, lived in NYC for almost 10 years and will cling to my New Yorker roots forever. All in all yesterday was a very good day and I even randomly bumped into a friend from my art ed grad program and passed an old co-worker that I haven't seen in 9 years in the span of 5 minutes.
When we got home there was a red tin sitting on our front stoop. Inside was a note and chocolate chip cookies. It was from neighbors a few doors down who are also parents to two of my students. The note was expressing their sadness at hearing of our loss since they also lost a baby 4 years ago (hers was 26 weeks). It was so kind and thoughtful. I also realized that their 2 daughters are their rainbow babies and the loss was the middle of their 4 children (the oldest 2 boys are my students). It is always surprising to find out how close, yet unknown, those who have experienced the same thing are to us.
Thankfully yesterday was a good enough day that today doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would. I miss my babies. I would give anything to have my William and Ethan with me. But they are not, the sun is still shining, the world is still spinning and I have to move forward.
I have been thinking alot about moving forward...in terms of trying again. We still have our 5 frozen embies and a FET cycle seems less complicated than a fresh IVF cycle. There are moments where I think "I need to try now" and moments where I think "never again." My therapist said there really isn't a set way to tell that I am ready. I just have to be ready to take the risk of experiencing the pain of success or failure. I think I am about half way there. It is so hard to tell.
Two pieces of my heart that are gone forever and a new piece that brought back joy.
Thinking of you and your sweet boys today... (((love)))
ReplyDeleteThinking of you & your precious boys today. Glad you were able to spend the day yesterday doing something positive together.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who went through my first FET following IVF this past December I can tell you it is absolutely SO much easier and less complicated! Sending thoughts of love & hope your way as you consider when and how to move forward in building your family ((hugs))
An important milestone timewise to have passed. Although difficult I think you came through well. Our's is in about a month and it's looming so large for me. Good to see someone else come through it ok. Healing is so slow, I know , but I think it's somehow happening for both you and I.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and your boys today.... I know what you mean about sliding into a funk.. I'm just starting to scrape my way back out of one (fingers crossed) the due date for me was like you said... realistically not much.. but emotionally for me, it hit like a ton of bricks! Hoping you're on the other side of it now, and continue to do well!
ReplyDeleteI'll be cheering for you when you reach the time for your FET, whenever you feel ready!
Sending hugs your way!
I really like the book "Trying Again" by the same people who wrote Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. I found it helpful mostly.
ReplyDeleteDue dates are hard. Even this year, my 2nd time through our due date, it was a bit harder. But I also think that was the point where things begin to get just a little bit easier, especially for those of us who had a large gap between due date and when they were born.
Thinking of you and your boys. I am glad you are getting through it with positivity. It is hard though...
ReplyDeleteHugs.
Brooke
My due date came six weeks after I lost Eliza and it was so impossibly hard. It may have been my lowest point of all. (I know it's impossible to rank these things, but still, it was terrible). So I am thinking of you and your sweet boys. I love their names. I can relate to what you're feeling about trying again--I feel so conflicted. I try to remember that every good thing requires some kind of risk--risk of failure, risk of loss, risk of pain. It is terrifying to try again when we're still feeling so fragile. But I'm afraid if I wait until I feel "ready" that I'll never, ever get there.
ReplyDeleteJessica, I just found my way here through Brooke's blog. I'm so sorry for your loss of William and Ethan. We just passed our due date, as well, on March 11th. It was the saddest weekend of my entire life. I felt like I needed to get on the other side of it to really feel like I could move forward. To get over my "I should still be pregnant" anger. It sounds like you dealt with it beautifully. And don't you love how NYC can feel like such a small town sometime, bumping into folks you know in a city of 8 million people? xo
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