The day I have been dreading.
A date that really means very little realistically, but emotionally has a ton of significance.
Today was my estimated due date for William and Ethan.
I know that had they not been born prematurely there is very little chance I would have made it even this far as twins notoriously arrive early. This weekend has been tough but the hubby and I have kept ourselves busy so as to not completely slide in to a funk I won't be able to get out of.
Yesterday we spent the day hanging out in NYC. We had lunch, walked around taking in all the changes that have occurred since we lived there, watched a movie and had an early dinner before catching a train home. I miss living there sometimes, but I do love my neighborhood and my school where I teach...even if they are in NJ. I was born in NY state, lived in NYC for almost 10 years and will cling to my New Yorker roots forever. All in all yesterday was a very good day and I even randomly bumped into a friend from my art ed grad program and passed an old co-worker that I haven't seen in 9 years in the span of 5 minutes.
When we got home there was a red tin sitting on our front stoop. Inside was a note and chocolate chip cookies. It was from neighbors a few doors down who are also parents to two of my students. The note was expressing their sadness at hearing of our loss since they also lost a baby 4 years ago (hers was 26 weeks). It was so kind and thoughtful. I also realized that their 2 daughters are their rainbow babies and the loss was the middle of their 4 children (the oldest 2 boys are my students). It is always surprising to find out how close, yet unknown, those who have experienced the same thing are to us.
Thankfully yesterday was a good enough day that today doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would. I miss my babies. I would give anything to have my William and Ethan with me. But they are not, the sun is still shining, the world is still spinning and I have to move forward.
I have been thinking alot about moving forward...in terms of trying again. We still have our 5 frozen embies and a FET cycle seems less complicated than a fresh IVF cycle. There are moments where I think "I need to try now" and moments where I think "never again." My therapist said there really isn't a set way to tell that I am ready. I just have to be ready to take the risk of experiencing the pain of success or failure. I think I am about half way there. It is so hard to tell.