This has been a rough week. If you are not up for reading a rant you might want to skip this post. Otherwise, buckle up for my bumpy ride.
I barely was able to pull myself together after passing what could have been my due date last Sunday when I was knocked to the ground even harder by grief. Surprisingly, the day after (Monday) was worse than my actually due date. I tried to go to school but I was over-whelmed by my feelings and had to leave before the day even started.
On days like that I have something akin to a panic/anxiety attack...but not really. I told my therapist on Thursday that it is really a grief attack...I feel immensely sad combined with a physical ache, claustrophobic feelings and a touch of anxiety. It is a cheesy comparison and somewhat cliche, but highly accurate on a certain level. Last summer while at the beach I was knocked over by a small but powerful wave. I went under, came up gasping, trying to regain my footing. Not only was it scary, but it hurt physically. The wind was knocked out of me and my body felt like it was hit by a line backer. That is what my grief attacks feel like. I can barely breath, I am scared and I hurt. The worst part is it takes days to feel "normal" again.
Tuesday I got the double whammy of finding out that a co-worker's sister and my best friend's brother (both due the same week as me) had their babies. As if it is any wonder why it took me until Thursday to return to any sense of sanity! The arrival of these two healthy babies is a painful reminder of everything I do not have and my heart still aches.
Wednesday and Thursday were not so bad...rainy weather but nothing to shake my sanity. At least I got to bid March farewell and can move on to April. Friday I got home from school and discovered my furnace had quit sometime in the previous 24 hours and my house was cold!!! Thankfully we have a fireplace and a heated mattress pad that could provide some comfort until a repair person could come out on Saturday. I so did not this added stress or expense.
The hubby and I were hoping to have a quick get-away during my Spring Break, but that is not going to happen now since we had to fork out a lot of money to get the furnace up and running, not to mention the routine maintenance it desperately needs. Which leads us to my last two problem. This morning I wake up with a nasty head ache and discover a back tooth has a chunk missing. Thank goodness the head ache is mostly gone and my tooth not painful but definitely needs to be addressed as soon as possible. More money that I had hoped would go to a quick get-away and stress I do not need.
I am actually really nervous about going back to my dentist. I haven't been since before I got pregnant (yes I know I should have been going) so they do not know what I have been through lately. I honestly will not be able to take any scolding for not going for almost a year nor do I want to have to explain why and end up crying at the dentist. For a brief second I debated finding another dentist but realized how silly that is (they are super close to home/school and great) and I can't run away from the possibility of what might be said or need to be explained. It scares the crap out of me but I can't let it control me.
Please...I beg the universe...please let this week be easier. Can I catch a break for a change?
PS- I finally got Ethan's death certificate. Turns out that the funeral home made the incorrect assumption that both William and Ethan were stillborn so they never requested a copy. Never mind the fact that they picked up their remains from two different hospitals which should have been an obvious clue that Ethan lived for almost a full day. My mom gave the funeral director a piece of her mind after a funeral she attended last week and I guess that put some fire under their feet. The cert arrived in yesterday's mail...almost a full month after I made the phone call to find out what was going on.