Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Moving Forward

Lately I have come to realize that how I feel about my sons and my grief are two separate entities. I am not sure if it makes sense, even to me, but this is what I have noticed lately.

I miss my boys with all of my heart and soul. I love them more than I could ever explain or even understand. Every now and then I cry for them but on my worst days...the days where getting out if bed, making it through the day and reminding myself that the world has not ended is when I grieve what has been lost...the dream of being a family, of being a mommy (not just a mother). I am grieving what could/should/would have been not necessarily my sons. It sounds awful when I write it out, but it is an honest feeling. I have found some form of acceptance (on most days) that my beautiful sons, William and Ethan, are gone forever. There is nothing I can do to change that and I will love them no less as time passes. What shatters me to the core is the fact that I should be a Mommy right now...others get to have that with their own children but I don't.

I mentioned before this is the same kind of heart ache I felt before I got pregnant, before our 1st IVF. Dealing with infertility is a grief all its own...a loss of being normal, of doing it the old-fashioned way...and that is harder for me to deal with these last few weeks. Ironically it is the one thing I can do something to change. I can't go back in time and change the outcome of my last pregnancy. I can't bring William and Ethan back to life. What I can do is try again to get pregnant.

As you can imagine, I am terrified, nervous and all those kinds of feelings magnified by 100. But I am also starting to feel hope. I never thought I would get that feeling back. Hope...possibilities...starting again. Maybe because it is spring and things are flowering, leaves are budding and renewal is in the air. Hope is returning. I am clinging to it like it might disappear. Hope. That is huge.

So I scheduled an appointment with my RE for April 27th to find out what we need to do in order to prepare for a FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle. I am not too keen on getting pregnant at the same time as last year (avoiding June/July cycles that could result in the same timeline/due date/milestones) so we will either jump right in or hold off until August. I am slightly afraid that if we wait until August I will loose my nerve but it is probably for the best.

One other conclusion I have come to is that there is only so much heart ache I am able to take. We have 5 frozen embies left over from our 1st IVF cycle. If none are viable I will have to seriously consider how much farther I am willing to go. I don't even want to commit my thoughts to writing for fear that it will come to fruition...I want to hold on to that little shred of hope while it lasts.


  1. Good luck! It's scary to even think about trying again, but you can do it.

  2. Good luck!! I know it is so scary to think about trying again. Just the night before last was the first time I allowed my brain to go there. I am starting to feel hope too. I will be sending positive vibes your way.

  3. It is good to feel hope again, I know. For me it comes and goes along with paralyzing fear. You will not lose your nerve. You are far stronger and have way more heart than you give yourself credit for. I know it may not feel like it, but it's what I see from where I sit.

  4. I just talked to my dr yesterday about my thoughts on doing an IUI in June versus July because I don't want to be on the same schedule as I was with Liam but don't want to wait till August either. I am trying to have hope like you but the fear of this happening to me again is always going to be there.
    I am praying for you that things will work out for you