Feisty

That pretty much sums up how I am feeling this week....feisty. I guess it might be a symptom of the anger part of grief, except that I am not really angry at anything in particular. However, should someone cross into a conflicting place I might just go off. I haven't, but I play out hypothetical scenarios in my head that usually end with someone getting an ear-full. That is why I feel feisty instead of angry.  My mood is not dark and overly negative...I am laughing and living...but woe to the person who gets me riled up!

I have also have been working on my lack of faith of any kind. With all that I have been through in the last 5 months, not to mention my BFF's two miscarriages almost exactly a year apart, has pretty much decimated any bit of faith that I had...and that is kind of a big deal. I have family/friends who are far more religious than I was even before the death of my boys; I have family/friends who are far less religious than me and they have a whole bunch more faith than I do. I have no faith (or hope) that anything is a guarantee...not an afterlife, having children, living to an old age. There are no promises in this lifetime and I am okay with that. I don't like it, but I accept it. I have never felt so pessimistic (I am usually the optimist) but I can't yet figure out how to be anything else. Perhaps this pessimism is also part of the anger.

In spite of my pessimism tomorrow I head back to the RE to find out what to do next. Hope must be in my heart somewhere since we are going to try again. I am nervous, still scared, but willing in spite of myself.

There is one other thing that is weighing on my mind...and if you are the friend who I am about to talk about please know that I love you I just need to get these feelings out. (I doubt this friend knows I blog, since I haven't shared it with friends but ya never know)

I have a friend who is a mother of two young children. Her oldest turned 3 in February and the younger will be 1 yr. in July. She suffers from postpartum depression and I can in no way understand what this is like nor do I wish to judge her. Except that I am...and I hate that I am. I am sure, once again, this can be linked to how I am experiencing my anger grief. This friend and I met in college when she was a hard-core feminist, a woman scorned (bad boyfriend issues) and she never wanted to get married or have children. Fast-forward many years and she met a great guy, they got married and decided to have a child. People change and I get that compound that with her history of endo and getting pregnant at all seemed like a miracle. Then while they were debating child #2, they got pregnant and she became a stay at home mom. I was in the midst of dealing with infertility and it was hard for me to deal with...but I knew that was my baggage, not hers. I was struggling with not getting pregnant and she easily conceived two times. Now she is miserable...and this is exasperated by her PPD. Again...this is my baggage and I feel guilty for thinking it, but I do. She has everything I want, two beautiful children, the ability to stay home with them and she has debated walking away from it all (and took that as a sign she needed help thank goodness). I can't imagine how that might feel, but at the same time I am pissed.

If I was a less understanding person I would try to give her a little perspective...hey, at least you have two amazing, living children. You can hug them and kiss them everyday, see them grow and hear them call you mama, you have pictures of them alive, you can celebrate their birthdays with happiness, you can tuck them in at night, imagine their futures, see their eyes light up with joy when they see you and so much more. Hey...it could be worse...you could be me and instead have two dead sons which will never experience any of those things. Instead, as Mother's Day approaches you could be deciding on a grave marker for your children instead of how to celebrate.

Yeah, I am a bit angry and a whole lot feisty.