One Speck of Hope...

We had one little embryo transferred back this afternoon. One little speck of hope.

I am relieved that the transfer was able to happen and still cautious in my feelings. I have released a lot of the negative energy from yesterday. Right now I don't have a gut feeling one way or the other if this has worked.

In nine days we will know...in the mean time, dig in little speck and stay for a while. I'd like to get to know you.

A nervous wreck...

This morning was the last check for blood work and an ultrasound before tomorrow's transfer. On top of being crazy nervous the ultrasound was slightly less than perfect. I should expect things to not go smoothly...that's how my life rolls.

Basically the doctor found a wee bit of fluid in the endometrial cavity and she basically told me that it may or may not result in cancellation of this cycle. I appreciated her telling me why she stared at the screen with a very concentrated look but having to wait ALL DAY for the phone call to find out if my cycle was cancelled or not was torture. I lost my shit after leaving the office, could barely hold it together to make it through my day. Finally at 3:00 I saw I had a voice mail (couldn't check my phone between 1:25 and 3:00 because I was teaching) and we are still good to go.

I had given up all hope that we would even get to tomorrow, but we are so I should be feeling better. Except I don't.

That is not 100% accurate...after a long chat with my mom and another chat with my therapist (thank goodness I scheduled an appointment for today!) I do feel a bit lighter...not better but a good chunk of the heaviness I felt all day has lifted. Truth be told I am no longer optimistic about this cycle working. I want to be...I want that hope...but with so many hurdles I just can't hold on to it.

There is still the wait for the thawing and embryology report tomorrow morning. One last hurdle before transfer time. Thankfully this requires nothing from me other than waiting because there is not one shred of strength left.

I am grateful to have a break from school for a long weekend. Thursday and Friday the district is closed for Rosh Hoshana and then I have an art educators conference Monday and Tuesday. I figure at least these are working in my favor and I can rest for a few days post-transfer and not be on my feet for the beginning of next week in case this cycle might work.

Every little bit helps.

So if you see any luck out there floating around send it my way 'cause I could sure use it.

One step at a time...

It is amazing how a few words of encouragement can pull you together for a day or so. I can't thank you enough for the comments filled with support and reassurance that my hormones are INSANE!

Today started off not so great (uncooperative veins for blood work, weather report postponing my outside project this morning but teasing with me with sun) but ended on a better note for sure. The tears continue to hover below the surface and occasionally leak out, but I am in a slightly better head space.

So I got the call...I am scheduled for my transfer....

Holy crap...this is really happening. As if the crazy hormone manipulation wasn't a clue! (I am currently covered in e.strogen patches which apparently come with sarcasm as a side affect...who knew?!?)

If all goes well between now and then, next Thursday (9/29) I will have one embryo transferred. One little speck of hope to take root and grow. I can't really wrap my brain around it...I am so focused on getting through each day that thinking that far ahead is completely surreal.

I have actually thought this past month about how I will be feeling about the potential outcome of this cycle. The actual transfer happening seems impossible. When I consider all of the outcomes I am more prepared for a negative result than a positive. Of course I am hoping to get pregnant more than I can express...but I am pretty sure I know how to deal with getting a negative beta. I will grieve the loss of another opportunity to build my family and I am experienced in that department. On the flip side, I have no idea how I will react to finding out I am pregnant. Last time I was in shock (I had lots of spotting and was convinced that I wasn't pregnant) but this time I know the pain of loss. I can't even begin to imagine the worries that will come up.

I have to keep focused on the here and now...one step at a time even if the path leads to places unseen.

It's gotta be the hormones...

I won't lie, the last few days have been exceptionally hard. Like, back in the early days of my grief hard. All I keep saying to myself is that it has to be the hormones I am taking. Seriously emotional and lots of tears.

My monitoring over the weekend was ok, but they doubled my estrogen patches. I also over heard the doctor tell the tech he saw a fibroid (only he used the technical term but I knew what he meant) but didn't seem concerned. I have had fibroids come and go. I also know from conversations with my OB that fibroids might contribute to things like miscarriage and pre-term labor. How I forgot a detail like that when I lost my boys is beyond me, but it brought all of the over-analyzing back to the front of my brain. Could that be what caused my pre-term labor? What does this fibroid mean for my FET cycle and potential pregnancy?

I have never really had extremely guilty feelings over my pre-term labor like I know can happen. Played out all the scenarios- yes, felt like I failed- yes, felt guilty or responsible- not so much. Just evaluating every possible option was more than enough. Unfortunately my thoughts over the weekend were filled with flash backs to my sons' birth and why, at 23w6d, my water broke suddenly.

I haven't cried this much in such a long time. It is exhausting to be on the edge of tears all day long.

Please let it be all of the hormones and please let it be worth the onslaught of emotions.

Hello Weekend!

I am so glad the weekend is here. This has been an exhausting week physically, emotionally, and mentally.

The first full week of school is always a grab bag of meetings, getting to see what the students are really like (not the 1st week of school jittery/scared straight behavior), still preparing for the new school year and it all did a number on me. Yesterday it all came to a head...figuratively and literally.

Thursday morning I woke up with one of my rare, but vicious, migraines. They are evil and this one is surely induced by the wacky hormones I am subjecting myself to for our FET cycle. This migraine came complete with vertigo, nausea, light sensitivity and general yuckiness. Fortunately the pain was dulled by your average over the counter pain killer, but all the fun side affects stuck with me most of the day. It made for an interesting teaching process.

And did I mention that was the day of "Back to School Night" where I have to speak to several hundred parents intelligently about my art program...ha! Add nervousness to the mix of feeling unwell, exhaustion and stress and I was a mess. Thank goodness it was therapy day!!!

I told my wonderful therapist all about my Mom dropping the twin bomb on me at the wedding, not feeling well and I felt as though I was back in the desperate days of my early grief. I cried the ugly kind of cry while I was there and she let me...reminding me the whole time I still need to be gentle with myself and give myself the time to grieve even though we are trying again with the FET cycle.

Feeling unwell scared me...I could feasibly, if this works, have to deal with morning sickness while teaching and I am not sure I can keep my mental status in good shape if I feel so crappy. (When I got pregnant with the boys I had the feeling of perpetual car sickness, not vomiting, but it was all during summer break and eased at the same time I went back to school.) It is so much harder to keep it together mentally when you feel physically and I worry how I will handle it all.

I am really starting to think about the "what ifs" should this cycle work...it scares me in so many ways. Am I really ready to be pregnant again? Am I strong enough to deal with the worries that plague a normal pregnancy that will be amplified after having experiencing a devastating loss? The answer is, and has to be...I am ready as I will ever be. The strength to deal with ever comes my way lies in my family and friends and I will tap into that strength as the need arises.

I ready for a nap...

Still Reeling...

The week leading up to today has been emotional for a whole bunch of reasons...PMS and L.upron induced moodiness, watching the 4th and 5th pass by and knowing those days mark the 9 month since I lost my boys, back to school stress, watching helplessly from afar as my home town and surrounding area experienced flash flooding that left the area devastated, all the while knowing that the 10th anniversary of 9/11 was coming.

Ten years later, I still have not fully processed the pain of 9/11. I was living in NYC at that time with D (we had been engaged for 5 months). We were fortunate not to loose anyone close to us in the attacks on the Twin Towers, but it was impossible not to feel the hurt of so much loss on that day. It was an impossibly beautiful day, I was taking a month off between jobs, I had been sitting in jury duty limbo the day before but had fortunately been released due to a lack of cases and new potential jurors streaming in (the court house is just a few blocks away from Ground Zero) and it was supposed to be a fun day. I woke up minutes after the first plane hit, and couldn't process what I was hearing and could see from my bedroom. I was glued to the tv when the second plane struck and again later as both towers collapsed. There were lots of tears, phone calls tracking down friends and loved ones and shock. I can still see everything clearly in my mind and smell the stinging, acrid, burning smell that lingered over the whole city for a month as what once was the World Trade Center smoldered. I am forever grateful my best friend decided to go to law school in Pennsylvania, because if she hadn't she would have been in her office in the Twin Towers and I could have lost her forever.

One thing that I looked forward to was a family friend's wedding on Saturday. It was amazing! A beautiful day in the Adirondack Mountains, an unforgettable wedding (missing vows, finally found) and a reception that was so unique and fun (a bridal party introduction complete with superhero/princess alter egos)...just like the happy couple! But the end of the night left me reeling.

The reception was winding down and a bombshell was revealed with a complete lack of sensitivity. It turns out the lovely bride recently found out she is pregnant, (insert drumroll) with twins. I received the hush hush news at first with excitement, then shock as the twin part was revealed and then despair as the nity-grity details of how it was discovered twins are expected. From strangers, I am not stunned by the lack of care in delivering pregnancy announcements. I know not everyone is completely aware of my loss and I know the world doesn't revolve around my grief. What leaves me reeling is that this news was delivered, expanded upon and given in great detail by none other than my own mother. Yes... the grandmother who lost her TWIN grandsons a mere nine months ago thought I would want to hear all about the spotting and ultrasound that revealed the twins who are due sometime around the date mine were supposed to be born. Ummm...yeah....thanks Mom. She only realized her mistake as my face fell from a smile to whatever it is I look like when I am trying to hold my shit together.

So you can probably guess that my fun evening came to a crashing halt and I ended up back in my room sobbing. I am trying not to hold this against her, she isn't always very conscientious and she had been drinking but that is just making excuses. If she has just left it at pregnant and twins I might have been ok, but she didn't. From here on out, I told her, I don't want to know the details just let me know when (if) they arrive safely.

I really hate reality sometimes, especially when it crashes the first party you actually are able to enjoy in the last nine months or so.

Out of the Blue...

Today I found myself in a situation where I had to explain what happened to my sons rather unexpectedly. There are quite a few new teachers to the building this year and I have been dreading "the question," the about how many kids you have...but that is not how the conversation got started.

Standing in the hallway this morning with our new librarian, she called me Jennifer by mistake. She remembered my last name and was puzzled by the initials on my necklace and innocently asked. I kind of blurted out the short version of what happened and watched her eyes fill with tears and she reached out for me to give me hug. As she hugged me she said, "I've been there and lost two of my own."

My eyes misted over too...and instantly I felt ok. We said no more but both stood there with what I call the "grief smile," the look you get when you try, but can't, smile, holding back tears and somewhat grimacing. My first impression of her was that she was a little quirky and tried a little too hard to be chipper...I understand why now because I feel like I am filled with that same awkwardness most days.

This stranger is now a life line...someone who gets it. It is such a relief just knowing she is there even if we never utter another word about our missing babies.

Nine Months...

...of heartache, tears and longing.


There has also been love the past nine months, you taught me how to love you even though I can not hold you anywhere but in my heart.

I miss you my loves...my sweet William and Ethan.