This Year Was Harder

Last year Christmas was hard...lots of bittersweet moments missing my twins and wishing they were with us since they would be just over a year old and enjoying the fun even if they didn't fully understand what all the hoopla was all about.

That was hard...but this year was so much harder!

Maybe it is because we have Maxwell and know what we are missing. Maybe it was because I didn't get a whole lot of sleep the night before (maxwell was up a lot from a change of routine/environment) and grief has more power when I am tired.
Maybe it was because I felt like William and Ethan were forgotten this year.

Yes, it's understandable that everyone was wrapped up in my son that is alive...he is HERE and so lovable! M has helped healed so many broken hearts. How could he, even as cranky as he was from lack of sleep, not be the center of attention? It still would have been nice to have them acknowledged. I know they are missed, but it sucks feeling alone in my grief. I know that's not true, it's just how it felt.

Either way it was hard to keep the merry in Merry Christmas this year. I'll admit it...I was a moody mess and this year was just harder than I expected.

Meh-hum-bug

I am having a really hard time getting excited about Christmas...I'm not exactly bah-hum-bug screw the holidays grumpy but I am very indifferent. It's kind of sad because its Maxwell's 1st Christmas and I should be excited. Instead of going all out for the wee man we've done practically nothing. Haven't put a tree up, no Christmas carols playing and our only decoration up is a wreath on our front door.

I think part of the reason is I know we won't be here Xmas day (heading up to my parents). I'm sure if we were hosting I'd make some effort but I can't find the gumption this year. It's shameful really... I was able to get my act together last year in the wake of grieving the twins one year milestone and growing morning sickness. I guess my only saving grace is Maxwell is still so young and won't remember my slacking his first Christmas and we can take lots of pics at my parents house that will be decorated.

While decorating at this point is probably pointless, I will try to make a little effort in the next few days. Mandatory holiday music as I wrap presents (I did get the shopping done relatively easily) and maybe some baking before we head north.

I've got to try...the wee man deserves it! After all he is the best gift ever!

I can't process this...

Friday I found out a close family friend's daughter was born still at approximately 26 weeks. My heart absolutely aches that yet another person I know has to deal with the indescribable grief of loosing a child. What absolutely confounds me is how to process the feelings that I have now that I learned more of the back story. The prevailing feeling is anger but there is so much more that I can't process.

This family friend has had a sorted past (drugs, alcohol, horrible relationships, jail) and is mother to three, no four, children with different fathers. Bringing another child into the situation she is in is less than ideal, but its not my life so I have no right to judge (but I am...especially now). Last I heard things were going better for her. This was almost a year ago and apparently things took a turn back for the worse. While I don't know exact specifics it seems that practically non-existent prenatal care combined with poor self-care (including drinking, smoking and drug use) may have contributed to her loosing her baby girl.

A string of expletives come falling out of my mouth every time I think about the situation. It is beyond comprehension...I am heart broken that another baby is dead, but angry that it could have been prevented. I am frustrated, after dealing with infertility, that someone who has made so many poor choices thinks about sex and gets pregnant when it was so challenging for us- a couple with a good marriage, stable lives. Heart broken for another mother because I know the pain of loss but lacking sympathy because she may have contributed to the death of her child.

I am not one inclined towards prayer, but in this case I pray that her family finds the strength and resources needed to get through this and I hope that this is her rock bottom so she gets the help she needs. It is one messed up situation.

F%€K!

In their memory...

Last year I donated two toys to Toys for Tots in memory of William and Ethan as a sort of birthday/Christmas gift. I had plans of doing the same this year but couldn't figure out what I wanted to buy that two year old boys might like...I still may do this but another opportunity popped up yesterday. A Carter's store recently opened near us so I went to check it out. By the checkout counter was a huge box full of pajamas that will be donated to children in need. One thing that has resonated with me, as I enjoy snuggles with Maxwell, is that I will never have the chance to snuggle my twins. I choose to buy two pair of fuzzy footie jammies so that two little two year old boys will feel snuggled this holiday season. It was an easy, inexpensive (yay sales!) to do a feel good deed in William and Ethan's memory.

Tomorrow we are making a quick trip to my home time to visit the twin's grave. Rather than flowers, this year I picked up a mini Christmas tree and two tiny stockings to place at their headstone. As we start new traditions with Maxwell I want to do something for William and Ethan too...they are all my sons and I want to find ways to include them all in a positive way this holiday season.

Two

Two days that turned our world upside down...
Two boys so very missed...
Two years of heartache...
Two parents still trying to cope.

I still can't figure out how fast this past year has gone little lone the last two. While my heart is filled with joy because of William and Ethan's brother, there are still two pieces forever missing and a raw feeling that can only come from deep grief. On days like today the rawness hurts as much as the day they were born and gone. Today is their birthday and the day we said goodbye to William, sweet baby A. Tomorrow is the day we said goodbye to Ethan, sweet baby B, after 24 hours of trying to hold on to hope.

Dear William & Ethan,

My sweet boys, oh how Daddy and I miss you! Today should be your second birthday and we wonder what kinds of boys you would be...are you quiet and shy or giggly and talkative? Would you be on the go constantly or happy to snuggle and look at books? So many questions about the two of you that will always be a mystery. Now that your brother is with us we are even more aware of what we are missing without you here.

There are moments that I feel certain that you must have a special connection to your brother. Not only is there a strong physical resemblance, but I wonder about a psychic connection. There have been several instances where Maxwell stares at a corner in his room and babbles and smiles for several minutes...is he talking to you? It warms my heart to think he is able to communicate with you.

I think of you everyday, sometimes with tears because my heart still aches for you and all the dreams and hopes that come with wanting your first born sons. You are missed beyond measure. Sometimes I am able to think of you with a smile because I love you so!