Last year Christmas was hard...lots of bittersweet moments missing my twins and wishing they were with us since they would be just over a year old and enjoying the fun even if they didn't fully understand what all the hoopla was all about.
That was hard...but this year was so much harder!
Maybe it is because we have Maxwell and know what we are missing. Maybe it was because I didn't get a whole lot of sleep the night before (maxwell was up a lot from a change of routine/environment) and grief has more power when I am tired.
Maybe it was because I felt like William and Ethan were forgotten this year.
Yes, it's understandable that everyone was wrapped up in my son that is alive...he is HERE and so lovable! M has helped healed so many broken hearts. How could he, even as cranky as he was from lack of sleep, not be the center of attention? It still would have been nice to have them acknowledged. I know they are missed, but it sucks feeling alone in my grief. I know that's not true, it's just how it felt.
Either way it was hard to keep the merry in Merry Christmas this year. I'll admit it...I was a moody mess and this year was just harder than I expected.
Two pieces of my heart that are gone forever and a new piece that brought back joy.
Boy, do I understand that. It's nice for our babies to be acknowledged, and I think it's really hard knowing we can't celebrate fully because they aren't ever going to be here. Each holiday is another reminder of who we're missing.
ReplyDeleteYes, it's wonderful having the little brothers, but man... wouldn't it be nice to have it all. To celebrate them all.
I hear you. It doesn't necessarily become easier with each passing holiday; some feelings become even more complicated. I'm sorry this was a difficult holiday for you.
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