I can't process this...

Friday I found out a close family friend's daughter was born still at approximately 26 weeks. My heart absolutely aches that yet another person I know has to deal with the indescribable grief of loosing a child. What absolutely confounds me is how to process the feelings that I have now that I learned more of the back story. The prevailing feeling is anger but there is so much more that I can't process.

This family friend has had a sorted past (drugs, alcohol, horrible relationships, jail) and is mother to three, no four, children with different fathers. Bringing another child into the situation she is in is less than ideal, but its not my life so I have no right to judge (but I am...especially now). Last I heard things were going better for her. This was almost a year ago and apparently things took a turn back for the worse. While I don't know exact specifics it seems that practically non-existent prenatal care combined with poor self-care (including drinking, smoking and drug use) may have contributed to her loosing her baby girl.

A string of expletives come falling out of my mouth every time I think about the situation. It is beyond comprehension...I am heart broken that another baby is dead, but angry that it could have been prevented. I am frustrated, after dealing with infertility, that someone who has made so many poor choices thinks about sex and gets pregnant when it was so challenging for us- a couple with a good marriage, stable lives. Heart broken for another mother because I know the pain of loss but lacking sympathy because she may have contributed to the death of her child.

I am not one inclined towards prayer, but in this case I pray that her family finds the strength and resources needed to get through this and I hope that this is her rock bottom so she gets the help she needs. It is one messed up situation.

F%€K!