Monday, December 27, 2010

Hair Cuts, Snow and Tears

I'll start with the snow, since that is the big news around here. We got slammed by the blizzard in the Northeast...26" of the white stuff. It was pretty until I had to go out and shovel. Hubby and I spent an hour digging ourselves out, at least until he had to go in for a conference call for work. That left me shoveling my way down the drive way and sidewalk. It was hard work that felt good (despite the aches that popped up later in the day).

While I was shoveling by myself I thought about my boys but not so much in a sad way, I just miss them and I know darn well that had things not turned out the way they did I would have been putting my feet up watching hubby shovel in all my pregnant glory inside the house. But this is my reality, not pregnant and shoveling a wee bit more than 2 feet of snow. Thankfully I didn't have to do it all...a neighbor came by with a snow blower and helped clear our walkways and the end of my driveway.

Next the tears. While laying on the couch relaxing after all that shoveling I had a serious cry. I downloaded some pics to my ipod Touch of Ethan while he was in the NICU and the two pictures I have of hubby and I with William. I looked at them and just sobbed. I haven't cried like that in a while but I think it was long over due.

While looking at the pictures I realized two things...first, I don't really have pictures of William other than the ones the hospital took (and right now all I have are crappy proofs) and the two the nurse took of me holding William and hubby sitting by me. You can't really see our little guy very well but it is him in my arms. Second, I currently only have pictures of Ethan from when he was alive and not a single picture of my holding him. There will be pics coming from the hospital that were taken after Ethan died, but how did I not get a picture of me holding him? I guess these might be regrets but I know there is absolutely nothing I can do about it so I just have to let it go. I'll share these photos at some point, perhaps later this week.

And finally the haircut. I had let my hair grow long while I was pregnant. Mostly I was too lazy (or sick, tired or just plain pregnant) to make a hair appointment. It was easier to deal with while it was blow drying, no real styling. I put it up in a ponytail, a bun or a twist and that was that. After William and Ethan were born and died I was desperate for a haircut and I couldn't really explain why other than it was long over due. A week and a half ago I got it cut and for an equally unexplainable reason I did not want to go to the place I usually go. My hair is now cut short into a tapered bob thanks to a salon in the next town over. And today I figured out the explanations to why I needed to cut my hair and why I did not want to go to see my usual salon.

I needed that haircut for a very important reason...I wanted to look as different on the outside as I feel on the inside. This hair style is one I have had before, but not for some time and not while I have lived and taught in the town where we live now. Being an elementary art teacher in the town where I live means I see fellow teachers and my students all over the place. And this hair cut changes the way I look enough that I am not as easily recognized. So my reason was two fold...I needed to look different and I needed not to be recognized.

As for changing salons...I hadn't been to my previous stylist since long before we tried IVF, got pregnant and lost my babies. My reasons for not getting a hair cut revolved around me being pregnant and I really just didn't want to explain that to anyone. I know I chose a different salon closer to home where I could have been recognized but the stylist wouldn't know me and I could get away with not saying much. It worked out I guess...I got my hair cut, no explanations required.


  1. I did the same thing with the haircut after our're right it helps to match the difference you feel on the outside.
    I understand your sadness at not having a picture of you holding Ethan, but the important thing is that you did hold him and really it was probably that. The fact that you were too busy loving him and cherishing those moments with him to think about a picture and that is what you should remember, that you were physically there for him and loved him while you could here.
    That snowstorm sounds intense! Hope you find some peace in the coming days ((hugs))

  2. I never went back to my hairdresser either.