Last night I got a call from a friend...a fellow art teacher from my grad program with whom I've remained close...and it was awkward. She knows that we lost our boys but talked around it. Offering her support in her own way, but in a way not acknowledging what happened.
In turn I also had no idea what to say. Nothing seemed right...I was glad to hear from her but I did not feel like me while we talked. With my friends and family who have been amazing support I still feel like myself...a grieving version of my self. With This friend though I was even more empty and at odds for how to carry on a conversation.
On a different note, triggers. The things that through me back in to a state of pain and loss. They are not the things I expected...I am cool with seeing pregnant women and babies. Seeing twins is slightly harder but not awful. Right now it is Christmas music. I already mentioned Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You." There was another one during dinner last night..."Baby's First Christmas." It is an old one and it reduced me to tears by the end of the first chorus. My mom and hubby were besides themselves. Thankfully my hubby shut the stereo off as soon as he realized what caused my tears. I don't mind crying and missing my sons...what I am growing to despise are the things that catch me off guard. They are bound to happen but that doesn't mean I have to like it.