Friday, December 24, 2010

Trying to Muster Up Some Holiday Spirit...

The tree is decorated, the presents are wrapped, the holiday songs are playing but I am just not feeling it.

My Mom has been with me all week which has kept me distracted, which is good. My Dad arrived yesterday and my sister, her husband and two girls are arriving later today. But alas the Holiday spirit is no where to be found.

All in all I have been feeling better with occasional moments of despair. I am not feeling quite so desperate as I did a week or so ago. I guess that is progress.

The other day I was asking my hubby what he wanted for Christmas this year and his answer broke my already shattered heart. "I want to see you happy again" was his answer. I told him that I knew I was not my self and I would do my best but it may take a while. We still find moments to laugh at things that are funny, have loving tender moments but really I am not happy like I once was. The end of 2008 and beginning of 2009 I was struggling with our inability to get pregnant. I was not really myself then either...and when I got pregnant a heaviness lifted. It was even obvious to a few teachers I am friends with at school. One commented that there was a lightness, beyond the pregnancy "glow," she could see. I feel if I lost that lightness and glow. I feel like a darkness that is heavier than anything I have ever known has replaced the light.

A high school friend has a great quote on her profile...

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
- Plato

It rings so true to me right now...for the most part people have been incredibly kind. Even strangers...perhaps it is the holiday season. What ever it is I am grateful. I may not have a sign above my head telling people to be gentle with me, but they have been thank goodness!


  1. Thank you for stopping by my blog and your kind words tonight, that means a lot to me. I'm so incredibly sorry for the loss of your twin boys and glad you have felt kindness and compassion from those around you. Wishing peace and comfort to surround you & strength when you need it most ((hugs))

  2. Jessica, I saw your post on Rebecca's blog, and just wanted to come and tell you that I am so sorry ... that my heart hurts for you, and that I wish this holiday could have been different. I'm glad that people have been compassionate (even, if like your fellow art teacher friend, they didn't do it as well as one might hope), and I hope that you have been able to be kind to yourself, too. Losing babies is hard enough without the holidays to complicate matters ... my thoughts and prayers are with you.

  3. I have recently started reading your blog and am so sorry for the loss of your boys. Like you I struggled with the let downs of trying to get pregnant from the end of 2008 through finally getting pregnant in the summer of 2010 and was so happy to finally be pregnant only to have another let down 6 months later.
    I am praying for happier days ahead for both of us