Thursday, December 30, 2010

Art Journal - Tears


Yesterday was full of tears."

And that about sums up my day yesterday. I created this page today as yesterday was definitely a very emotional day. I cried like I have yet to cry yet since my sweet peas died. Sometimes it was a silent cry, other times it was a wailing, moaning, sobbing cry. There were cries that fell somewhere in between.

Hubby returned to work this week and I think being alone with my grief has magnified my feelings. Today feels better though. Later I go to my OB for a postpartum check up and there might be tears then, but for now I am all cried out.

Art Journal - Page 1

 "This journal is dedicated to my sweet peas...
William Patrick and
Ethan Thomas."

I knew that I would need a creative outlet for my grief. I have dabbled in art journaling and thought it would be an excellent way for me to start my healing process.

I am starting simply with watercolor and ink which isn't very time consuming or energy draining. This may change or it may not. We will see where the journal journey it takes me.

William and Ethan became affectionately called my sweet peas once my shower was planned and the theme chosen...two peas in a pod. They have also been known as the beans, jelly beans the munchkins, bebes, and a whole slew of other nicknames. By far, sweet peas is my favorite. Since my William and Ethan were born the same day as my baby shower it means so much more.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Hair Cuts, Snow and Tears

I'll start with the snow, since that is the big news around here. We got slammed by the blizzard in the Northeast...26" of the white stuff. It was pretty until I had to go out and shovel. Hubby and I spent an hour digging ourselves out, at least until he had to go in for a conference call for work. That left me shoveling my way down the drive way and sidewalk. It was hard work that felt good (despite the aches that popped up later in the day).

While I was shoveling by myself I thought about my boys but not so much in a sad way, I just miss them and I know darn well that had things not turned out the way they did I would have been putting my feet up watching hubby shovel in all my pregnant glory inside the house. But this is my reality, not pregnant and shoveling a wee bit more than 2 feet of snow. Thankfully I didn't have to do it all...a neighbor came by with a snow blower and helped clear our walkways and the end of my driveway.

Next the tears. While laying on the couch relaxing after all that shoveling I had a serious cry. I downloaded some pics to my ipod Touch of Ethan while he was in the NICU and the two pictures I have of hubby and I with William. I looked at them and just sobbed. I haven't cried like that in a while but I think it was long over due.

While looking at the pictures I realized two things...first, I don't really have pictures of William other than the ones the hospital took (and right now all I have are crappy proofs) and the two the nurse took of me holding William and hubby sitting by me. You can't really see our little guy very well but it is him in my arms. Second, I currently only have pictures of Ethan from when he was alive and not a single picture of my holding him. There will be pics coming from the hospital that were taken after Ethan died, but how did I not get a picture of me holding him? I guess these might be regrets but I know there is absolutely nothing I can do about it so I just have to let it go. I'll share these photos at some point, perhaps later this week.

And finally the haircut. I had let my hair grow long while I was pregnant. Mostly I was too lazy (or sick, tired or just plain pregnant) to make a hair appointment. It was easier to deal with while it was blow drying, no real styling. I put it up in a ponytail, a bun or a twist and that was that. After William and Ethan were born and died I was desperate for a haircut and I couldn't really explain why other than it was long over due. A week and a half ago I got it cut and for an equally unexplainable reason I did not want to go to the place I usually go. My hair is now cut short into a tapered bob thanks to a salon in the next town over. And today I figured out the explanations to why I needed to cut my hair and why I did not want to go to see my usual salon.

I needed that haircut for a very important reason...I wanted to look as different on the outside as I feel on the inside. This hair style is one I have had before, but not for some time and not while I have lived and taught in the town where we live now. Being an elementary art teacher in the town where I live means I see fellow teachers and my students all over the place. And this hair cut changes the way I look enough that I am not as easily recognized. So my reason was two fold...I needed to look different and I needed not to be recognized.

As for changing salons...I hadn't been to my previous stylist since long before we tried IVF, got pregnant and lost my babies. My reasons for not getting a hair cut revolved around me being pregnant and I really just didn't want to explain that to anyone. I know I chose a different salon closer to home where I could have been recognized but the stylist wouldn't know me and I could get away with not saying much. It worked out I guess...I got my hair cut, no explanations required.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Trying to Muster Up Some Holiday Spirit...

The tree is decorated, the presents are wrapped, the holiday songs are playing but I am just not feeling it.

My Mom has been with me all week which has kept me distracted, which is good. My Dad arrived yesterday and my sister, her husband and two girls are arriving later today. But alas the Holiday spirit is no where to be found.

All in all I have been feeling better with occasional moments of despair. I am not feeling quite so desperate as I did a week or so ago. I guess that is progress.

The other day I was asking my hubby what he wanted for Christmas this year and his answer broke my already shattered heart. "I want to see you happy again" was his answer. I told him that I knew I was not my self and I would do my best but it may take a while. We still find moments to laugh at things that are funny, have loving tender moments but really I am not happy like I once was. The end of 2008 and beginning of 2009 I was struggling with our inability to get pregnant. I was not really myself then either...and when I got pregnant a heaviness lifted. It was even obvious to a few teachers I am friends with at school. One commented that there was a lightness, beyond the pregnancy "glow," she could see. I feel if I lost that lightness and glow. I feel like a darkness that is heavier than anything I have ever known has replaced the light.

A high school friend has a great quote on her profile...

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
- Plato

It rings so true to me right now...for the most part people have been incredibly kind. Even strangers...perhaps it is the holiday season. What ever it is I am grateful. I may not have a sign above my head telling people to be gentle with me, but they have been thank goodness!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

What to say?

Last night I got a call from a friend...a fellow art teacher from my grad program with whom I've remained close...and it was awkward. She knows that we lost our boys but talked around it. Offering her support in her own way, but in a way not acknowledging what happened.

In turn I also had no idea what to say. Nothing seemed right...I was glad to hear from her but I did not feel like me while we talked. With my friends and family who have been amazing support I still feel like myself...a grieving version of my self. With This friend though I was even more empty and at odds for how to carry on a conversation.

On a different note, triggers. The things that through me back in to a state of pain and loss. They are not the things I expected...I am cool with seeing pregnant women and babies. Seeing twins is slightly harder but not awful. Right now it is Christmas music. I already mentioned Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You." There was another one during dinner last night..."Baby's First Christmas." It is an old one and it reduced me to tears by the end of the first chorus. My mom and hubby were besides themselves. Thankfully my hubby shut the stereo off as soon as he realized what caused my tears. I don't mind crying and missing my sons...what I am growing to despise are the things that catch me off guard. They are bound to happen but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Monday, December 20, 2010

It's official...I hate Mariah Carey

I've never been a fan but in the last few days she has pushed me to the brink.

Perhaps it is the tears brought on by hearing "All I Want For Christmas Is You" too many times followed by the announcement she is having twins. Ugh.

I do not actually wish her or her babies ill.

What I do want are my twins. Damn it, all I want is you William and Ethan.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Two Weeks...

How can it possible have been two weeks since my water broke? Two weeks since my baby boys made their far too early entrance into this world and then quickly departed?

How is it possible that two weeks ago I was in my home town surrounded by people I care about celebrating with a baby shower? How is it possible that after I got home from the shower my water broke!?!

The rawness of emotion I feel is if it were yesterday, not two weeks ago.

I will never forget you. I will always love you. I will always miss you.

William Patrick and Ethan Thomas
Two Pieces of My Heart
Two Pieces Missing and yet my heart continues to beat.

Please tell me how this is possible?

I have created this place to remember, share, explore, vent and cry. I will not apologize for my feelings. This place is for me. If you have found me or I invited you to visit please know that what I say is not intended to offend, hurt, upset or anger. These are my thoughts and feelings and I must honor them in order to work through my grief.