Art Journal - 2010

"I am not ready to say goodbye to you 2010...you were a roller coaster year but within your days my babies existed. They were conceived, they grew, they lived and sadly died. Leaving 2010 means leaving my boys behind."

I wrote this on Monday. This has been a week of many changes, but essentially it still rings true. I know that I will always have Ethan and William in my heart...no matter the date, place or time...yet starting a new year feels like it increases the distance between us.

When life was normal, I used to love the new year and my birthday two and half weeks later. My birthday was my personal new year, giving me time between Jan. 1 and my birthday to come up with my resolutions. This year I am excited by neither. But really, all that was normal is gone.

I haven't really thought much about my birthday until now. My personal goal (hope? dream?) was to have a child by the time I was 35. That birthday passed last year. And when I got pregnant from our first attempt at IVF I know that the boys were due after I turned 36, not the original plan but I was happy to be pregnant. Unfortunately, I was naive and apparently not specific enough. So here I sit on the cusp of 36 making the sad realization that my wish came true...I became a mother at 35, just not to babies who are alive right now.

A very wise teenager I know posted this on Face.book..."if you wanna hear God laugh tell him your plans." Ain't that the truth.