Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Art Journal - My Heart

"It may be hard to see on most days, but my heart is shattered into may pieces. Even on my best days the pieces fit closer together but there is always that space in between. On the very worst days pieces appear to be missing altogether. There will always be two small heart shape pieces missing...I willingly gave these two tiny pieces...one to William and one to Ethan...to form their very tiny hearts. I would do it again in a heartbeat, because my heart continues to beat without them. I am not sure how, but it does. The cracks may expand, causing an ache that can not be described, but my heart does not fall apart. It is only held together with tender ties formed by the love of my family and friends.

For them I am grateful.

Without their love my heart would surely fall apart."

I have been experimenting with different watercolor techniques just to see what happens and how it matches various feelings that my grief presents me with. This time all I could see were cracks and I drew the heart where there was a heart shape. It just fit my mood so perfectly the day I created this page. It was a decent day yet there was a physical ache in my chest that I had never felt before. Actually in my chest is not where I feel it...the sensation feels more out of body, perhaps inches away from my chest and it pulls. It is the most surreal ache I have ever had. It frightened me at first so I called my Mom (she's a nurse) to see if it sounded like any sort of chest pain I should worry about. Dubious at first, she asked me all sorts of medical questions and our best conclusion is this is an emotional pain not an actual pain. A broken heart. Not surprising with all that I have been through. Of course the stern nurse warnings and motherly concern was accompanied by strict
orders to call my doctor should I feel actual pain or discomfort based on common heart attack symptoms for women (as men tend to feel heart attacks differently).

This ache comes and goes, but is most strong when I think of Ethan and William.


  1. Beautiful...sending thoughts & love your way.
    A friend of mine who lost her daughter and blogs is also very artistic, you may like her blog as well (although she is pregnant with her rainbow baby). Anyway, your art reminded me of her...
    Also if you haven't already Still life 365 is a blog dedicated to artwork by grieving families...

  2. I had lots of chest pain and stomach pain when I first lost my son. It felt like someone was wringing my insides between their hands. I still get that feeling from time to time, but it's getting less intense and less frequent.

    What a beautiful piece of art. I wish I was artistic but sadly I was born without the artistic gene.

  3. You have such a beautiful way with words... it forces me to ache for you.

  4. Art therapy. There's a wonderful idea. Your painting and words are beautiful.

    Thank you for commenting on my BFN. Reading your story helps put it all in perspective. We are truly sisters in our IF pain, aren't we?