I do not like days like today. Actually there are many different kinds of days I do not like but this one is lowest on my list.
Today was one of those days where every part of my boys' existence feels like it didn't really happen. The IVF process, my pregnancy, the baby shower, my water breaking, the birth and death of my sons...all of it seems like it never happened. If not for my pudgy belly, the memory necklace on my neck and the memory boxes sitting in the guest room I feel like it was a dream at best.
I know it happened and still feel the pain. Is this a form of denial? Whatever it is I can not just let myself accept this feeling. I can accept the pain, anger, sadness and just about every other emotion grief has thrown my way. I know this feeling will pass as it has before. It is just not one I can move through.
Two pieces of my heart that are gone forever and a new piece that brought back joy.
The feelings of "this is real" still hit me from time to time. And they are still hard. And it still hurts. I cant tell you that it will get easier; I dont think it does. But, what happens (for me and it seems for others too) is that it becomes such a part of you that you accept it as part of your being.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever need to chat, I'd be happy to email you my phone number. Sometimes, just having someone else breathing on the other end of the line can help.
Hi Jessica, thanks for stopping by my blog.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you're going through. Sending you hugs and strength. I don't know how anyone goes on after something like this, but somehow they do. One day at time.
-Elphaba
I have those moments as well. Hang in there and so sorry you are hurting right now.
ReplyDeleteI'm no psychologist, but maybe it's your psyche's natural way of trying to heal; trying to distance yourself from the pain and go on.
ReplyDelete