I sincerely thought today was going to be a good day...a 2 hr school delay meant I got to sleep in a little, I was looking forward to starting a new project with my first graders and 2nd graders...I couldn't have been more wrong.
To start, I woke up feeling far from rested, a kind parent shared she experienced a similar loss which made me a little teary, and after all of that I opened a cupboard in my classroom and found a stack of parenting books a fellow teacher gave me but had yet to take home. That was the kick in the gut the led to my downward spiral. I crumpled into tears. Thankfully I was alone in my room because it was not pretty.
Thank goodness for our amazingly kind school nurse who gave me a place to hide when she saw my look of desperation when I could not find the assistant to the principal. I knew I needed to leave but wasn't sure what to do. That combined with my frusteration of not being able to keep it together until I got home was just too much today.
I know there are bad days (usually following a really good day like yesterday) and I just have to feel them. I haven't had one at school so even though I have been prepared for so much, including days like today, I was not prepared for what it would actually feel like.
Now I am home, taking care of myself and letting the tears fall when they need to.
Two pieces of my heart that are gone forever and a new piece that brought back joy.
These days will come and you are doing great by comforting yourself as you can and letting the tears come. Bottling it inside will delay the grieving process and, in my experiences, make it worse down the road. But you are doing a great job... One day at a time. One second- one breath- at a time.
ReplyDelete((hugs)) i know that feeling all too well. yes, you are right, all we can do is just let the tears fall when they need to.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't imagine trying to teach a class full of kids so early in the grief process.
ReplyDeleteThe good days do start coming more than one at a time... eventually.
So sorry it was a rough day...glad you were able to get away and go home to allow yourself to feel whatever you needed to ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I remember those days all too well. Two years later, they still happen but they do get less frequent although I know that probably sounds impossible right now. I'm glad you were able to go home...sometimes that's the best thing you can do. I agree with Michele, you are doing very well. Time helps ease the pain and the good days do come back. Big hugs to you tonight...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Jessica. Sometimes the best treatment is to go with it. Actually, I think more often than not that's the best way to go...to let the tears fall and to let yourself feel all your emotions.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
Here from ICLW. I'm so sorry for your terrible loss. I know that words cannot bring you peace or comfort but please know that you are in my thoughts and in my heart.
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