Saturday, January 1, 2011

A New Year...

I realized today that my 2010 ended as it began...with me not pregnant and wishing I was.

Last December/January I was still reeling from finding out a close friend was expecting again and was afraid to tell me (due to the fact that hubby and I had been trying for a year with no success). I still remember the sting of finding out so many friends, family and acquaintances were pregnant and no matter how hard we tried we were not.

This December/January I am feeling a whole new level of pain. I can't even find the words to describe the ache I feel knowing that my boys are gone. Empty, aching, raw, broken...this is some of what I feel but there is so much more. The sting I felt in the past is nothing compared  to this. Yes it hurt, but the way you might compare a fender bender to a 200 car pile-up.

There are so many "years in review" out there on tv, in blog land and in newspapers. I feel I should reflect and acknowledge all that happened this year both good, bad and down right miserable. Perhaps reflecting on something other than just the death of my sons will give me something more to hold on to.

January...coping with December announcement one BFF is pregnant (the one that has endo, is still breastfeeding her 1st child and in college said she never wanted kids) but still holding on to hope that hubby and I might be able to get pregnant on our own, but glad that my OB-GYN said if by the end of January we still hadn't conceived she would refer me to a RE. I turned 35 and had a great b-day weekend with my best friends (organized by hubby...what a guy!). I have art work exhibited in a local gallery...woo hoo!
February...swamped with a huge clay project at school, but loving it! Still getting a BFN, but no time to dwell.
March...already planning for the friends' trip to the beach in July (yeah), arranging doctors appt and fertility testing. Big project at school complete...success! Hubby gets a much anticipated job offer...yeah!
April...find out my bestest BFF is pregnant and is shattered. Is even more heart-broken when I learn that my bestest BFF has had a miscarriage. Ugh! Find out that my fertility testing shows no apparent problems but hubby has borderline motility issues. Double Ugh! Time to see the RE and find out what our next step is.
May...have our first appt with RE after a ton of bloodwork we discover I am borderline PCOS and combined with hubby's below average motility and my "advanced maternal age" IVF is recommended. Work on figuring out what to do and decide to go ahead with IVF. The hurry up and wait continues to see we can get the timing right before the embryology lab closes for a week at the beginning of July. Hope lives on!!! Prepping for art show...very busy again!
June...IVF #1 is underway! School year wraps up and summer is underway!
July...IVF #1 goes well, egg retrieval yields many eggs and ultimately 2 blasts are transferred back and 5 embies are frozen. Transfer happens right before beach week with friends so anxious the whole vacation but still manage to have a great time. Baby Cam (bff's baby I found out about in 12/09) is here! Have first beta the day after we get back...and it is a BFP!!! Have first u/s all looks good, have 2nd u/s and it is twins!!! is uber hot and I have lots of nausea but so very glad I do! Manage to get to the town pool a couple of times but spend a great deal of time in my house, with A/C and sleeping! I try to get prepared for the new school year.
September...back to school and itching to share the big news but hold off until we hit the 14 week mark. When I do share it spreads like wildfire through principal is over the moon excited and even announces it to parents at Back-to-School night. Nausea fades and I begin to feel somewhat human again. Having a student teacher is a huge help! So glad I decided to take one on.
October...feeling good and finally starting to get a proper baby bump. Dress up as a jack o'lantern for halloween. It is pumpkin blaze time seeing the thousands of the carved pumpkins all lit up!
November...Find out we are having two boys!!! Hubby is thrilled...I am a little sad since I was hoping for a boy and a girl but quickly get very excited about our little guys. Sister and I start planning my shower for December 4th. Still feeling good, but getting tired. Looking forward to starting maternity leave at the end of December. I cook my first turkey and we host the inlaws for Thanksgiving.
December...***I catch a cold, my first since getting pregnant (which is nothing short of a miracle when you teach art to 500+ K-2nd graders). Dec. 4th I travel to my hometown and have my baby shower. It is wonderful being surrounded by friends and family. After we got back to my parents that night my water breaks and my universe is turned upside down. We rush to the hospital and I give birth to my twin sons, William Patrick and Ethan Thomas. William does not start breathing even with intervention and the NICU team is unable toget his heart beating again. He leaves us a half hour after he arrives. Ethan is born forty minutes after his brother and is much stronger. He is taken to another hospital with a higher level NICU, where he spends the next day hanging on until night falls and his heart fails. The rest of the month is a blur of heart ache and tears with some good days.

So that is my year in a nutshell...a bit like a classic bell curve, starting off low, creeping upwards and then crashing down at the end. Or maybe it is like a roller coaster with steep ups and downs, a few twists and loops with a quick stop at the end. All I would really like for 2011 is a year that is a bit more steady and balanced.

Wishing everyone a year of peace, love and goodness.

 *** Edited to add missing text which disappeared somewhere between typing it and posting.


  1. I am truly sorry for your loss. Big hugs.


  2. Here from LFCA. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sons. I'm sorry to welcome you to this club, but please know that there is a lot of love and support out there for you. Wishing you peace.

  3. Here from LFCA too.

    I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious William Patrick and Ethan Thomas.

    Wishing you peace.


  4. Here from LFCA. I really cannot imagine the year you have had. I am so sorry for the loss of your boys. Wishing you comfort in this new year.

  5. Dear Jessica,
    I'm here from LFCA. I'm so deeply sorry that you lost your beautiful boys, sorry that 2010 ended as it had begun, that you are a grieving mom, that it's so not fair. Your art journal is beautiful - what a good idea and a wonderful way to memorialize your precious babies. Sweet peas they are:)

  6. What a roller coaster of a year...hoping with you that 2011 is far more steady and filled with happiness. Another blog I thought you might enjoy since you love art is Still Life 365...
    Will be here with you in the New Year, hoping you continue to find strength when you need it and are surrounded by love ((hugs))

  7. Here from LFCA... So many of us have been in similar situations and the ache is so painful that sometimes you cant breathe. Know that we will be here with you, to help carry you when you cant walk, and to just listen when you need to talk.

    Hugs and warm thoughts, and thinking of your sons with you tonight.

  8. Oh, mercy. What a hell of a year. You deserve more than just balance in 2011. Wishing you every possible goodness.