I am making plans. Something that felt impossible a few weeks ago and now it fills me with more excitement than dread.
First, the hubby and I are going on a nice vacation for my break in February. We were originally going to go some where after the boys were gone, upon the advice of a cousin who also experienced a loss, just to be together and heal. The timing was not ideal nor cheap (we would have gone some time around Christmas/New Years) so we abandoned that idea in order to plan for one of my school breaks. With all of this snow and more on the horizon I am very much looking forward to a quick trip to the Florida Keys.
Second, the national art education convention is taking place in Seattle March 17-20. Had everything gone as planned with my pregnancy there was no way I could go what so ever. My EDD was 3/27 and the chances of me making it that far was slim. Well since the boys arrived unexpectedly early and are not here for me to take care of I need to embrace this chance to go to Seattle. It is a treat to myself and will hopefully help me reignite my teaching spark.
I won't lie...the trip to Seattle is a mixed bag of emotions. Just like I shouldn't be back at school, I should not be able to go to this conference. If the universe didn't hand me this new reality I would be happily taking care of my sons. But that is not what happened. So off I go on a grand adventure to the conference. I currently do not know anyone going (hubby can't go due to work) but I am sure I will know at least a few people from my grad program there...the director of my program is a heavy hitter in the art ed world and my alma matter is always represented. I am terrified and excited all at the same time...but I think the distraction will be good for me.
This feels huge. Making plans. A certain amount of hope goes with making plans and that is something I was afraid I would never feel again. I still am uncomfortable with the concept of hope but I definitely feel less anxious about the word itself. Saying it is easier, and I am becoming ok with feeling it.
There is one more plan I want to consider, but know I am no where close to being ready. Planning to try to get pregnant again. We have said we will and we have 5 frozen embies waiting for us at the RE. I have yet to contact my doctor or nurse to let them know what happened. The milestone I set was as soon as I got my period again I would get in touch with the nurse to give her the update. It has been 8 weeks and no definite sign that my period is coming.
This gives me more time to prepare for contacting them, but I am starting to get impatient for my body to get back to normal. I know it can take awhile, not to mention the stress of the last (almost) two months and working in a building filled with estrogen (90% of the teachers/staff in my building are women). I am terrified of trying again but know that I am not getting any younger. At 36 I feel like I have very limited time. And if we use up the frozen embies I am not sure I want to try another fresh cycle. The fear of hope strikes again.
For now I will focus on what I know...I'll be in Florida in a few weeks and Seattle a few weeks after that. This is good and it feels like progress.
Two pieces of my heart that are gone forever and a new piece that brought back joy.
We went away that first year. I just needed to get away. I was glad we did, even though it was just so gutwrenching to be away from home too.
ReplyDeleteJust my 2 cents: I'd call your RE. Ours wanted to sit down for a psych visit after we lost Nick and Sophie, to make sure that emotionally we could handle another pregnancy and possible loss. The sooner you talk to them, the sooner you may be able to go through whatever counseling they want you to have with them (or with someone else). We were lucky; we talked to her and started back up with ovulation induction. But I know several couples who were told they either needed to wait and come back, or the RE wouldnt see them without grief counseling. So, just a thought...