I am making plans. Something that felt impossible a few weeks ago and now it fills me with more excitement than dread.
First, the hubby and I are going on a nice vacation for my break in February. We were originally going to go some where after the boys were gone, upon the advice of a cousin who also experienced a loss, just to be together and heal. The timing was not ideal nor cheap (we would have gone some time around Christmas/New Years) so we abandoned that idea in order to plan for one of my school breaks. With all of this snow and more on the horizon I am very much looking forward to a quick trip to the Florida Keys.
Second, the national art education convention is taking place in Seattle March 17-20. Had everything gone as planned with my pregnancy there was no way I could go what so ever. My EDD was 3/27 and the chances of me making it that far was slim. Well since the boys arrived unexpectedly early and are not here for me to take care of I need to embrace this chance to go to Seattle. It is a treat to myself and will hopefully help me reignite my teaching spark.
I won't lie...the trip to Seattle is a mixed bag of emotions. Just like I shouldn't be back at school, I should not be able to go to this conference. If the universe didn't hand me this new reality I would be happily taking care of my sons. But that is not what happened. So off I go on a grand adventure to the conference. I currently do not know anyone going (hubby can't go due to work) but I am sure I will know at least a few people from my grad program there...the director of my program is a heavy hitter in the art ed world and my alma matter is always represented. I am terrified and excited all at the same time...but I think the distraction will be good for me.
This feels huge. Making plans. A certain amount of hope goes with making plans and that is something I was afraid I would never feel again. I still am uncomfortable with the concept of hope but I definitely feel less anxious about the word itself. Saying it is easier, and I am becoming ok with feeling it.
There is one more plan I want to consider, but know I am no where close to being ready. Planning to try to get pregnant again. We have said we will and we have 5 frozen embies waiting for us at the RE. I have yet to contact my doctor or nurse to let them know what happened. The milestone I set was as soon as I got my period again I would get in touch with the nurse to give her the update. It has been 8 weeks and no definite sign that my period is coming.
This gives me more time to prepare for contacting them, but I am starting to get impatient for my body to get back to normal. I know it can take awhile, not to mention the stress of the last (almost) two months and working in a building filled with estrogen (90% of the teachers/staff in my building are women). I am terrified of trying again but know that I am not getting any younger. At 36 I feel like I have very limited time. And if we use up the frozen embies I am not sure I want to try another fresh cycle. The fear of hope strikes again.
For now I will focus on what I know...I'll be in Florida in a few weeks and Seattle a few weeks after that. This is good and it feels like progress.