Today is a welcome break from school. I know I just started back last Thursday but it has been exhausting. Mostly emotionally, but the physical aspect of working with classes of children ages 5-7 is more demanding than you might imagine.
At least twice a day I am caught off guard by a student's reaction to my absence or the loss of my sons. Thank goodness I spoke with the social worker to have responses prepared but it is still a punch in the gut when a sweet kindergardener asks where my babies are or a 2nd grader says I am sorry your babies died. I was surprised that these moments, while heart-wrenching, do not cause the breakdown I thought would happen. Perhaps it is my need to nurture and protect my students. Of course if an adult says the same thing I loose it. I can't explain it really.
I feel like I have reached a strange place in my grieving process. I am not desperately seeking solace in books about grief or blogs, I am not as over-whelmed by my sadness, but I am not exactly sure what I am feeling either. It is kind of like feeling numb, but not in the same way I did right after my boys died. Sometimes it feels like denial because my life feels so surreal.
I am starting to feel "better" in general but I don't want to. I don't want to let go of my sadness... I want to feel more than this semi-numb, kind of ok feeling.
Two pieces of my heart that are gone forever and a new piece that brought back joy.
Glad you were able to get a day to recharge a bit, I can't imagine how difficult it is to cope with your grief and also deal with the reactions of your students.
ReplyDeleteI remember feeling similar in the past, grief is such a strange winding journey. Wishing you strength and better days in the future ((hugs))
You eloquently put into words exactly what I have been feeling lately. Thank you for that and hugs to you for better days as you settle back into your school routine.
ReplyDeleteFirst time to your blog, and I am so sorry to read about your tragic loss. I can't even begin to imagine the pain. I hope you find the strength and peace you deserve...
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