Today is a welcome break from school. I know I just started back last Thursday but it has been exhausting. Mostly emotionally, but the physical aspect of working with classes of children ages 5-7 is more demanding than you might imagine.
At least twice a day I am caught off guard by a student's reaction to my absence or the loss of my sons. Thank goodness I spoke with the social worker to have responses prepared but it is still a punch in the gut when a sweet kindergardener asks where my babies are or a 2nd grader says I am sorry your babies died. I was surprised that these moments, while heart-wrenching, do not cause the breakdown I thought would happen. Perhaps it is my need to nurture and protect my students. Of course if an adult says the same thing I loose it. I can't explain it really.
I feel like I have reached a strange place in my grieving process. I am not desperately seeking solace in books about grief or blogs, I am not as over-whelmed by my sadness, but I am not exactly sure what I am feeling either. It is kind of like feeling numb, but not in the same way I did right after my boys died. Sometimes it feels like denial because my life feels so surreal.
I am starting to feel "better" in general but I don't want to. I don't want to let go of my sadness... I want to feel more than this semi-numb, kind of ok feeling.