Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Dear William

Dear William,

One month ago was the day of your birth and death, but you were a part of me for so much longer.

In July 2010 you were but a little blob of cells that were transferred back into my womb with a second little blob of cells that would grow along side of you. I can’t begin to tell you how much you were wanted or describe the joy that your Daddy and I felt when we got the call telling us that I was pregnant. From that moment on I loved you. I did not know at the time of course that there were two of you to love. That happened two weeks later and we loved you all the more. With each peek inside of me the excitement and love grew.

You were always the quiet and stubborn little guy; hiding behind your brother or low and to the back or sometimes turned in just the right way so we could see very little of you during the ultrasounds.  Please forgive us for all the poking and prodding that was done to get you to show yourself…but the delight at seeing you was worth annoying you just a little bit.

I also want to apologize for calling you a girl for the first few months…I was so sure until the 20 week scan that proved my sooo very wrong! There was no doubt that you were our little boy. Daddy was worried (ok…terrified) about parenting a daughter so you can imagine how excited he was to find out you were one of his two little boys.

We knew you were moving around and kicking, but didn’t feel you as much as your over-active brother. You really loved snuggling down near my back which made it hard to feel your movements…but oh boy did I know when you played soccer with my bladder or used it as a pillow. I hope that you felt my rubbing my belly down on the left side. They were the only way I could express how much I cared for you at the time.

Do you remember the times that Daddy would talk to you right up against my belly? It would make me giggle every time because you would wiggle and squirm when he did that.  Daddy never got to feel you kick, but I let him know when you did.

I hesitate moving on to the day we actually got to see you, the day you were born. It is such a mix of emotions because we had to say goodbye as fast as we said hello. It was the day that changed everything.

That was the day that many friends and family members came together we celebrate you and your brother. On December 4th Aunt Jolyn and Grammie hosted a nice baby shower and we received so many wonderful gifts. Everyone loved seeing how big you and your brother made my belly. I am sure you could hear the buzz of the excitement…it was all for you!

I have no idea what you were experiencing inside of me that day…I hope it wasn’t too uncomfortable. I had no idea what was coming that night. Since you were Baby A, the one closest to the exit, I am sure you were as surprised as I was when my water broke and your warm comfy environment changed. I am sure my terror caused you stress too. After all 23 weeks and 6 days is far too early to make your entrance in to this big scary world.

But arrive you did.

I remember clearly the last beats of your heart wooshing from the heart monitor before I was told to push. It was so rhythmic and soothing.  And then you were born, my first born son. The child that made me a mother.
I don’t know exactly when your heart stopped beating, but I do know that the NICU team did their very best to keep it going. When they told us 15 minutes of trying didn’t seem to be helping, Daddy insisted they try another 15 minutes. In my heart I knew you were gone, but we couldn’t stop trying just in case.

William, I am so sorry I couldn’t protect you and keep you safe. Never could I have imagined you not with us. Holding your little body and seeing you for the first time was so sad and wonderful. My love for you grew infinitely bigger and my heart broke knowing this is where our time together ended.

Please forgive me for not being able to give you more attention and time after you were born. We did the best we could under the circumstances. This was not how we planned for your birth…we wanted a celebration but that dream evaporated.

I do hope that you like your name. Daddy and I had not yet picked names when you were born, but we had a short list. If I had my way you might have been named Oscar or Elliot. I had actually turned down the name William, but when Daddy came back in to the room (I am not sure from where…maybe he was seeing your brother) and said “William” I knew it was the right name. Patrick seemed like a good fit for a middle name and it did come from our short list. In the middle of night while thinking of you I realized that your names were the first names of actors who played Captains on “Star Trek.” Yeah…we are geeks like that.

Where ever you are, please know that you are loved by many. Your brother is with you…look after each other. Grammie and Papa, your aunts and uncles and cousins love you and miss you too. 

You are always in my heart my little sweat pea. I carry your initial close to my heart, dear William, so that I have something to hold and kiss. It is not the same, but other than memories it is all I have.

I love you with all of my heart and think of you every day.

Love, Mommy

1 comment:

  1. Your letter brings tears to my eyes as I read the love for your first-born; some I could have written myself. I hope that my first-born, Oscar, has befriended William. What a beautiful letter.