Monday, January 2, 2012

Hello 2012...

So long 2011...I am not so sad to see you go but you were a tough one to get through, but we did it. 2011 started in a very dark place of grief, was filled with an emotional roller coaster, but ended on a pretty good note.

That means that 2012 has started in a pretty good place as well. I have reached an interesting place in my is definitely not as over-whelming and all consuming as it once was but it is still ever present. At the same time there is an almost unsettling sense of peace with where I am in my grief. I miss my boys desperately, I still cry nearly every day, but I feel more able to focus on the joy they brought me while I had them. I smile when I think of them more than I cry. It really is a little disarming and I don't know how or where this change came from. It doesn't always sit will with me because I still cry. Maybe I am so uncomfortable with these feelings because I still miss them so much and I feel like I am not grieving enough. I have no idea if that is true.

2012 puts a full year and then some in between the present and the time that my boys existed. That is a little hard to process and makes me miss them all that much more. I survived all of the first milestones (original due date, 6 months, a year, holidays, etc.) and they have slightly less power over me. There will be plenty more milestones to face this year, but I know I'll survive since I did it once already.

Christmas went by with not too many triggers...but we didn't have that many commitments/parties so that was good. We did go to my sister's house Christmas weekend but our plans had to be rearranged to make it back home for a Monday appointment with our RE for blood work and an ultrasound. Leaving early was a bummer, but I was also starting to get a cold so being home was a good thing.

Christmas day was focused on my two nieces (4 and 8 yrs old) so it was a whirlwind! A few times during the day I could feel the should-be thoughts creeping insane would it have been with two baby boys, would we even be here? My thoughts were evenly split between sad and smiles. It is so strange to think should-be thoughts with a smile, but they feel better(?), easier(?) than despair. This could all change but I'll take whatever emotions for what they are...good or not.

My ultrasound went well...not much to see other than a gestational sac but that is an important step down this scary road where ever it takes us. I haven't wanted to write too much here about being pregnant because it feels odd, not wrong, just not the right place. This is William and Ethan's place, a place to talk about them and explore my grief. I also want to be sensitive to those who do read this blog and might not want to know the details of this current pregnancy...but I promised myself I would never censor what I have to say. I am trying to foster this new sense of hope I feel with this pregnancy (which is of course tempered by all the things I know can go wrong) so I decided to create a new space, a new blog. That seems to be the best way to keep this place about my sons, keep my thoughts and words flowing at the same time being sensitive to others. I am sure there will be overlap but each blog has its own purpose.

If you want to visit my other blog it is

Here's hoping 2012 is better for us all!


  1. Holding hope with to check out the new space ((hugs))

  2. I struggled with the same thing regarding my blog and pregnancy. When I was pregnant last year I said to myself that I would not write all about it or post pictures.. then when the pregnancy ended I guess everything changed. This time around it has been different.. going through IVF was something I shared openly and I knew I couldn't not talk about these babies. This time around I have to say it is easier.. and it feels more natural. The blog is as much about my life as it is Cullen's impact up on it... and all that has come after. For me it just feels right. I hope that you will come to a place where it just feels right.. no matter where that is. Sending love. light, and hugs