Sunday, January 15, 2012

Taking a breath...

I feel like I've been holding my breath (and my tears) all day.

There wasn't any question that I would go to my best friend's (since Kindergarten) baby shower when I received the invitation. Thankfully in the last year there haven't been any others to decline...but this is a baby that sparked a little hope and excitement after all the grief we have been through. I knew it wouldn't be the easiest day, but it was a small brunch with other wonderful women and for the most part a great time.

Three things hung over me all day and now that I'm home I can let them out.

First, the last shower I attended was my own and my boys were born a few hours later. Not exactly a fun memory and the dread/nervousness wasn't as over whelming as I thought but it was still there.

Second, being a baby shower conversations gravitate towards pregnancy and labor stories and the shitty part is I can't share my experiences. Most of the women I know only through my friend and they may or may not know about my boys. Since this was a celebration it certainly didn't feel right bringing up anything that could lead to questions about my tragic story. It sucks sitting there having something to say but having to keep mum.

Third, the biggest challenge was one of the women brought her 13 month old son...his birthday was a mere 9 days after my boys. He was sweet and adorable and I had to stay the f*ck away from him! I could be in the same room but I found any excuse I could to move away if he toddled close by. There it was...what I should have (times two). I was able to get through the day pretty well, but my guard was definitely could it not be.

Just when I thought I had a pretty good handle on things a curve ball hits you and knocks the air out of you. I guess the impact has gotten tolerable, but it still sucks.

On another note, tomorrow we get another peak at our speck. Hopefully things are still on track.


  1. God, I can't even go there right now. I know my sister's babyshower is coming closer even though I haven't heard anything about it. I am terrified. I don't want to miss it because I care about her, but I know that I'll be sad and she'll be worried about me the whole time.

    This really should be different for us, but instead we have to figure out how to deal with it. I'm sorry.


  2. Eesh, I'm sorry. I will have a shower to attend soon - my SIL's - and I'm wondering how it will be as her entire family knows about our loss but haven't seen me (and didn't, in fact, ever see me pregnant). I did attend my friend's shower at work; she was 5 days ahead of me in gestation, and for some reason, hers has been the only friend/family member pregnancy that I've been ok with. Hugs...

  3. I'm so sorry. I still haven't been to one since mine. In fact, there was one yesterday that I had been invited to but said no.

  4. I hope since that hurdle is over, next time will be easier. And I really really hope your speck is right on track and bringing you some hope.

  5. Big sigh of relief that the shower is over. I hope you managed to find peace at certain points in knowing you are celebrating your best friend and her little babe. I can't say I understand because I can't attend baby showers (for anyone) still on my end. It takes real courage.

    You should be seeing Speck today... hoping for great news and a growing little bean with a heartbeat!

  6. I haven't been to one yet either.... my SIL's would've been my first, but I was on bedrest, and although not the funnest alternative, I was glad to not have to go to the shower! Big hugs to you, I know it must have been incredibly hard!

  7. Sending hugs.. and for some reason I can't get my comment to post on the other blog.. so here it is.. xo
    Wonderful news! Keep growing little bean!!!

    Wonderful news! Keep growing little bean!!! hugs!