I feel like I've been holding my breath (and my tears) all day.
There wasn't any question that I would go to my best friend's (since Kindergarten) baby shower when I received the invitation. Thankfully in the last year there haven't been any others to decline...but this is a baby that sparked a little hope and excitement after all the grief we have been through. I knew it wouldn't be the easiest day, but it was a small brunch with other wonderful women and for the most part a great time.
Three things hung over me all day and now that I'm home I can let them out.
First, the last shower I attended was my own and my boys were born a few hours later. Not exactly a fun memory and the dread/nervousness wasn't as over whelming as I thought but it was still there.
Second, being a baby shower conversations gravitate towards pregnancy and labor stories and the shitty part is I can't share my experiences. Most of the women I know only through my friend and they may or may not know about my boys. Since this was a celebration it certainly didn't feel right bringing up anything that could lead to questions about my tragic story. It sucks sitting there having something to say but having to keep mum.
Third, the biggest challenge was one of the women brought her 13 month old son...his birthday was a mere 9 days after my boys. He was sweet and adorable and I had to stay the f*ck away from him! I could be in the same room but I found any excuse I could to move away if he toddled close by. There it was...what I should have (times two). I was able to get through the day pretty well, but my guard was definitely up...how could it not be.
Just when I thought I had a pretty good handle on things a curve ball hits you and knocks the air out of you. I guess the impact has gotten tolerable, but it still sucks.
On another note, tomorrow we get another peak at our speck. Hopefully things are still on track.