A new year, a new blog...

A new pregnancy and a new chance at hope.

After loosing my sons, William and Ethan, hope became a stranger. Hope was something I could not dare to include in my life. I felt like hope died with them.

But a funny thing happened when I found out I was pregnant again a year after loosing my sons. Hope started to grow again. Dealing with infertility, infant loss and all that come with those heady subjects doesn't leave a whole lot of room for smiles and especially hope. But with this pregnancy hope is growing...whether I like it or not!

My other blog is about my sons and my grief. It did not feel like the right place to watch this new hope and new pregnancy grow and take shape. That is their place...my sons' place...and this is this new speck's place. There will of course be over lap but out of sensitivity and respect for my boys and small cadre of readers separate is best.

So here we (me and my speck or specks?) are...sharing a journey that I resolve to enjoy however long it lasts.

Right now I am 6weeks, 2 days pregnant. It is still beyond belief. Since we conceived using IVF (our 2nd FET using embies frozen after the fresh IVF cycle that resulted in me getting pregnant with William and Ethan) I am closely monitored and after a pregnancy that ended with me going in to pre-term labor I am sure this will continue throughout my pregnancy.

Last week we saw a gestational sac...the first of many check-points along the way to what will (hopefully) be a successful pregnancy. I know all too well that there are many, many ways this could all go wrong...but the goal is getting a living, breathing, take home baby. This week we have an ultrasound to see the heartbeat(s). I am qualifying everything as a possible multiple because two embies were transferred. I know we only saw one gest sac, but that is what we saw with the boys and didn't discover it was twins until the heartbeat check. My instinct says there is just one speck in there, but my instincts have proven wrong before...I was convinced I was carrying a boy and a girl last time until the anatomy scan proved me wrong!

A few more days and we will know for sure, hopefully pass the next check point of seeing a beating heart(s?). There is still so far to go, but for now I will try not to worry too much (I am going to need a lot of help with that) and take care of myself.

I have had a doozy of a head cold which has put a huge damper on my winter break...no fun and visiting friends because I feel icky. Being pregnant my cold relief options are severely limited. As my mother reminds me everytime I find some sort of doubt caused by this pregnancy, "Isn't it wonderful!" Gotta love that optimism...but really it is. I will take all of the doubt and limitations (and then some) with a smile in order to get this baby (or babies) into my arms alive.