Sunday, January 22, 2012

Trying not to let the fear in...

Being pregnant after experiencing preterm labor/infant loss is tricky. On one hand I am scared out of my ever-loving mind that something is going to go horribly wrong...again. On the other hand they excitement of a new life and all the hope that comes with it feels so new and fresh. After a year of living with the deep, dark, heart-wrenching grief after losing my sons, this new hope and excitement feels like a light clicked on in the middle of the night...a bit blinding, a little painful, but easier to look towards as each day passes.

Balance is my new goal...I know that my fears are not going to go away and will probably increase with each passing week but I do not want them to over-run my love and excitement for this new little speck! Yes, my excitement is tempered by all the possible ways this pregnancy could end badly. To those who know I have said, "I will enjoy this pregnancy for however long it lasts." Will it be devastating if it ends before it should...absolutely! I just don't want to regret enjoying it for what it is...a new speck of hope with so much possibility.

With all of that said, last night I was scared out of my mind by some spotting. Hubby wasn't home and for about 1/2 an hour I was a basket case. The ridiculous part is that I know what caused it and that is how I eventually calmed my self down. Spotting is very common when using pro.gesterone in vaginal suppository form. It is very easy to poke a cervix with the applicator causing very light spotting. It happened several times while I was pregnant with my boys and I was kind of surprised it hadn't happened yet this time. Even when you know what is going on, any spotting is scary shit!!! Thankfully it was a short lived event and has not happened since.

On a more positive note, Speck seems to really like raspberries. Being the off season locally I am grateful that other warm climates that are feeding this craving! Not to mention good sales at various grocery stores since I am clearing a pint every day or so! Hubby takes the berry craving as further evidence that Speck is a girl...the boys really liked bacon, clearly a more manly food in hubby's opinion. The poor guy might go crazy (crazier?) in the remaining 7-10 weeks until we find out!

Speaking of raspberries...I need a snack!


  1. I can absolutely relate to this post. In fact, I would love it if you would link it up to the blog link up I'm doing at the moment. The subject is managing fear during a pregnancy after loss. Here's the post just in case you want to link yours.

  2. Even when we know exactly what the cause is ANY kind of bleed or anything is too much to take! Funny that your husband thinks this this baby is a girl because you have "girly" cravings haha. Now I am really curious whether the speck is a third boy or a girl!

  3. Oh, I remember those conflicting feelings so well. You've got it right pregnancy after loss is a mess of emotions but as you said it's also an amazing ray of hope. Thinking of you, let the hope outweigh the fearful moments, cling to the joy and know that when the fear hits it's normal and you are not alone. It takes incredible courage to move forward after loss and it is absolutely worth it ((hugs))